Brothers on A Hotel Bed
by Siriusly Black Hearted
Summary: I love Sirius Black. Don't try to debate me against it. It's wrong, it's stupid. A lot more then my heart can get broken. But I can't control who my heart beats for or who Moony calls to late at night. Accept me, because I'm not sure if anyone else can.
1. Intro

**I do not own JKR's characters. I don't own Death Cab for Cuties Song. Anything you DON'T reckonize is mine. M'kay?**

**I hope you like this…It's not my best.**

_**Chapter 1-**_

_You may tire of me as our December sun is setting  
'Cause I'm not who I used to be  
No longer easy on the eyes  
These wrinkles masterfully disguise  
The youthful boy below  
who turned your way and saw  
Something he was not looking for  
Both a beginning and an end  
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize   
When he catches his reflection on accident_

On the back of a motor bike  
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight   
Leaving everything behind  
But even at our swiftest speed  
We couldn't break from the concrete  
In the city where we still reside  
And I have learned  
That even landlocked lovers yearn   
For the sea like navy men  
'Cause now we say goodnight  
From our own separate sides  
Like brothers on a hotel bed – "Brothers on a Hotel Bed, by Death Cab for Cutie.  


Sirius Black liked to smoke. In fact, it was believed that Sirius' first and only love was cigarettes. He would do anything to smoke a cigarette if he felt that craving. Hell, he'd even stop fucking someone just to take a drag. It was a talk of gossip throughout the school, why Sirius Black smoked so much. As if Sirius needed reason to do anything. He was just so handsome and…cool that men and women alike would do whatever he asked of them. Thanks to Sirius Black, the sexual orientation known as 'bisexual' spread throughout Hogwarts within the 7 years we'd been here. It was the fasting growing 'disease', right after genital herpes. Not that anyone got those from Sirius. The funny thing is, Sirius isn't bisexual. He may have spread the craze with everyone fawning over him, but he has never given any of the guys in Hogwarts a time of the day. Still, they all wait for him, just like I do.

I don't really wait for him, because I, unlike the other wishful blokes, know it will never happen. I just…dwell on him. I think about him. It's hard not to when you sleep in the same dorm as him, and you spend almost every bloody moment of your day with him. Christ, we even brush our teeth together. If that's not the meaning of close, then I don't know what is. I guess the difference between him and I brushing our teeth together and you and your friend is- you don't have gigantic canines that look as if they'll rip you to shreds. I do. It takes an amazing friend to stand next to someone like me, a werewolf, and spit cinnamon scent toothpaste into a sink. Especially because the scent of cinnamon makes me want to smother my lips against his. Cinnamon and chocolate can send my senses reeling almost as much as Sirius can. The scent of those mixed with his own, personal smell would kill me…They do, slowly. Day by day.

This morning we have chocolate chip pancakes. And I'm sitting next to Sirius Black. I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

"Moony, you're orgasming all over your pancakes." I glared evilly at James Potter, who poked fun at my obsession. Of course, he only knew about my fascination of chocolate, not with the dark haired sex god next to me. But it still wasn't funny. Sirius found it hysterical though. I sighed and shook my head. See, what's weird about me is that I come across to people as a sensible, intelligent person. I think I'm bloody insane. There are so many impure thoughts running through my head and they mate with my random thoughts, in return (we all know what happens when things have sex) they produce childish thoughts. But at the same time, I'm one logical arse. When it comes down to it, I'm an intellectual bloke. It makes no sense, even to someone like me. And now, I just want my pancakes, so I'll stop going on about how intelligent I am.

"Padfoot, that crude joke was surprisingly, not as funny as you think. Pass me the hot fudge." Only at our special 'Marauder' part of the table, will you find hot fudge instead of maple syrup on the days the house elves serve chocolate chip pancakes. They know we like our chocolate served with chocolate. Taking the ladle, I drowned my pancakes in hot fudge and then unceremoniously dug in. James and Sirius, who usually consumed more food then me, commented on my eating.

"Ah, Padfoot, look at Moony! All grown up and eating like a big man."

"Relax, Moony, your food isn't going to disappear." And right as I brought another swallow up to my lips, it did. I glared evilly at Padfoot. This was one of the few times I felt angrier then all hell at him, despite his good looks a lovable nature. "I didn't do it!" He shouted. Of course he didn't do it, look how his adorable eyes shined with truth. I looked at James who shrugged. I then glanced at Peter, who held traces of hot fudge dripping down his chin. I then looked at his completely finished plate and mine.

"I'm sorry." Peter apologized. "The hot fudge was too far away to fix myself some more." I sighed heavily, and then grabbed another pancake. Welcome to 'Mornings with the Marauders'. On today's show, Wormtail, the wizarding pig will finish everything in sight! Prongs, our Dr. Love, will show us how NOT to woo the ladies with Lily Evans as his assistant, Dr. Padfoot will give us some astounding new facts about the dangers of cigarette smoke, and the ever ready Moony will show us four thousand different ways to eat chocolate. Stay tuned.

"Guys, I'm full. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette." Sirius mumbled to us all, standing up. I lost my appetite when Peter ate my food off my on plate. James was still stuffing his face, his cheeks swollen. I silently wondered if his cheeks were puffy from the amounts of food or if his arrogance was finally catching up to him. I laughed and stood as well.

"Mind if I join you, Pads?" I asked. He grinned and shook his head, his long hair so casually smacking his cheeks. If I could paint a picture, that would have been a winner. But alas, I cannot. I have no artistic ability what so ever. I grabbed my school bag and walked out beside Sirius, trying my best not to smile at the boys and girls around us who glared at me while looking utterly heart broken. In fact, I had to try my best not to skip. My smile didn't go unnoticed, not from Padfoot.

"Why are you smiling all of a sudden?" He asked. It wasn't one of those 'what the hell are you doing!' tones. Merely an 'I'm interested' tone.

"Chocolate has antioxidants. They make you cheerful." I bluffed. He didn't question me. He rarely did when it came to things like that. I could tell him Hitler had a cat named Muffin and he'd believe me. For some reason, just because I was 'the most thoughtful and wise person' in our group, I was automatically trusted with everything I said. Sometimes I just wanted to see how much bull I could get away with.

"Okay then. Want a fag?" Sirius offered.

"I'm not a fag." I said, quickly.

"Never accused you of being one, I offered you a cigarette. So...how about it?"

"No thanks." I said, as smoothly as a guy who practically admitted his homosexuality to his ideal partner, though his ideal partner was a straight, Adonis of their school year. He just grinned his usual heart-melting smile and continued to smoke in our silence, standing next to each other in the nippy November morning. I shuttered.

"Here." He said, in almost a chivalrous manner. But I knew to well to think of it as that. He shrugged his cloak off his shoulders and then gave it to me with the hand that was not holding his cigarette to his plush lips. His coat was warm from his body heat...Holy hormones, Batman! Look what you've gotten yourself into...A deep Black hole...Oiy. I make too many puns.

"Thanks." I whispered. I knew why he gave it too me. The guys teased me about eating today because they were so glad to see me eat my full. It had been almost a full three months since I did that. I wasn't an eater unless there was something I was particularly fond of. We hadn't had chocolate for breakfast since the second day. Anyways, Sirius must've assumed that with my lack of body fat, I needed to be keep warm. So here I am, in a cloak that is slightly too big (and too nice looking) to be Remus Lupin's. That's the first time I admitted my name to you. I, Remus Lupin, am an intellectual man. I, Remus Lupin, am slightly in love with Sirius Black. I, Remus Lupin, should be liking girls. The only logical conclusion is that I, Remus Lupin, have gone completely sixes and sevens. Moony is howling with mirth...Another one, damn it. I had to string my thoughts back together to assume my role as the official Marauder timer. "Sirius, class starts in 10 minutes. We better go." I said, simply. He nodded.

"To be perfectly honest, I'd rather skive off charms and just stay out here." He said.

"To be perfectly honest, so would I. But if we want to pass NEWTS, we better go to class."

"And there is the studious Remus I know. C'mon then-" he threw his cigarette filter over the edge "let's go off to charms." One thing that drives me insane about Sirius- when we're alone, he calls me Remus. It's so...intimate. I'll dream about us...together. And he never once calls me Moony. It's a life of Sirius and Remus, together, forever...Though as a logical man I know forever does not exist. Nothing is forever. But there's that one part of me that just wants to be his nothing if that means we'd last for infinity and beyond. There's a romantic side to me. But I don't like to share it. It hurts rather then calms me. Because there's one true thing about being how I am- I'm not accepted. Not only as being a half-breed, but also as being a queer. That's why I've kept it to myself, and only myself. Werewolves; the Marauders can deal with: but gays? That's asking a lot from the prideful leaders, James and Sirius. I can't see them likening to the idea. So I don't bring it up.

"I see Snape removed the Crazy Glue from his wand hand." Sirius mentioned, casually. The other thing that could really anger me about Sirius was Snape.

"After last year, don't you think it's time to leave him alone?" I asked him, curtly. "For Merlin's sake, you almost had him murdered. Any hostility is deserved."

"He- well, last night's jinx fest wasn't a random thing. James and I hunted him down for something he said...About you actually." Sirius said, much too quickly to be casual.

"He didn't say anything about next we-"

"Nothing about the Full Moon. Actually it has something to do with-your sexuality. But don't worry, we cleared it up completely, James and I...Let's say he won't be too 'gay' around you ever again." A man after my own heart, taking a stab at a pun. Not too shabby. Sirius was a joker, but not quite a verbal one. While exceptionally smart at strategy and pranking and transfiguration, anything with words usually had him beat. I was the wise one who often rambled about things that made your head spin. Sirius was the one who just made your head spin, no matter what. Sometimes even his words knocked you senseless, but only for one reason. What makes me so in love with him, other then his smell, is his voice. He's got the most original voice I've ever heard. It's deep but not bass, and it's very...sexy in such an innocent way. It's the only innocent thing about him. It's not rugged or rough, it's sweet and calming. And when he sings, it shell shocks me. He isn't exceptional at belting at a tune, but he can carry his own. I like that bit of normality in such a brilliant, blinding person. It really grounds him and makes it easy to listen. Not to mention, when a guy like Sirius speaks, you have to listen.

It's amazing how listening to his voice waned my anger. It was like the light of the moon engulfing the dark of space. I relaxed as we neared charms class, nearly two minutes late. At least we made it here. And soon it would be the hols…And we could have the morning free to do whatever we want; him smoking and me dreaming.

--------------------------------------------

"Remus…" Sirius had whispered softly as he kneeled on the floor in front of my bed, reaching a soft hand out to push back the blonde locks that must've clung to face as I slumbered uneasily. I opened my eyes and blinked my long eyelashes nervously before they focused on Sirius. I knew it was Sirius before I even looked. For one, it was always he who woke me up from my nightmares, because Sirius was the only one besides me who never properly slept. And of course, I smelled him; whenever the scent of cinnamon tickled my nose and a faint air of musk followed it, I knew Sirius was somewhere close. The smell was becoming of such a man; intoxicating. Slowly, I stirred and then pulled the blankets up higher as he leaned his back against his headboard.

"Hullo, Padfoot." I murmured softly, closing my eyes and breathing in the deep smell. Even so early in the morning, the scent of Sirius lured Moony deep inside of me. _'Damn wolf senses…'_ I thought, as I realized that I may be the only person in Hogwarts capable of picking up Sirius' scent every second of the day.

"I wanted to let you sleep but- well…you said you've never seen a blizzard and well…to be frank, that's what's going on out there right now." He yawned. "I just woke up myself. It's about 3AM. But the view is beautiful from here. Come, look." He said, outstretching a hand to help me out of bed. I took it attentively, while hanging onto the blanket with a limp arm. He moved back from the window so I could see outside. And my god, what I saw blew my mind.

Everything was white; it was as if the world had been bleached of all color. Normally, I would find this ugly but something about the pureness made me feel…sentimental to the snow. It was as innocent as I wished I could be. And as fragile. Any pressure on this would break the charm, unlike me. I'm not saying I have charm to break, but if I did, it would take a lot before it would snap. I'm a pretty hard guy to break, believe it or not. I may come off a bit…well…out of character for a gay guy, but to be honest, I'm not into feeding stereotypes. I'm perfectly happy being normal. Besides, unlike the rest of the guys, I'm ashamed of what I am. I mean…I don't know, though I can't help it, I feel kind of perverted when James plays tricks on Sirius in the mornings; like hiding his favorite shampoo. It usually means that Sirius will walk around for a good 15 minutes in a towel…and depending on how late he's running he may even drop the towel and haste…I don't know how to admit to my best friends that I've taken then closeness to me for granted.

"Got you philosophizing?" Sirius asked, grinning widely. I smiled at much as I could but shook my head.

"Hand me a fag, will you?" I asked Sirius, desperate for my hands to do something other then long to play with his hair.

"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, harshly. "I'm not a fag!" He shouted, pulling back from me quickly. He looked utterly appalled.

"No! I didn't say that! I asked for- a cigarette! Give me a damn cigarette." He relaxed slightly and handed me a Parliament light. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Remus."

I almost wanted to bury myself in the snow and freeze to death.


	2. Run To Me

**Chapter 2 - **

"**Run to Me - Clay Aiken"**

Needless to say, after breakfast today, the Marauders had skipped Charms class and frolicked in the snow. I must agree with you, when describing a quartet of guys and only one is gay, frolicking may be the wrong word. It's a very good thing I was the only 'guy' outside and we were way out on the grounds, down towards the lake. James, Sirius, and Peter had decided to take their animagus forms, doing the frolicking. Unfortunately I can't control my change as they could. James blended in with the scenery the most and I was grateful that we were not on a muggle hunting range because James made a very fine stag. His face was one you would mount on a wall (if you hunted at all, which I didn't, nor respected. But he was just a beautiful animal). That sounds weird, me calling an animal beautiful. But I'm not so macho that I can't appreciate beauty anywhere I see it. Including a stag with a fluffy little tail. I think I may have lost sight of Peter. I wasn't missing him too much. I was kind of worried that he would get himself eaten by an owl though. Especially Hercules, James' snowy white that liked to attack him on many occasions. I blinked the snow from my eyelashes and shook my head rather like Padfoot would do in his form as a tree branch of snow fell directly on my uncovered head. It was cold. Padfoot transformed back into his self and helped me brush off the snow with his ungloved hands. Now I knew why I wanted snow so damn much. It looked beautiful on his broad shoulders and in his long hair.

"Nice job, Moony." He muttered, taking earmuffs from his robe pocket and shoving them over my ears. "You're going to bloody freeze to death." He took my hand and rubbed it between his to keep it warm. "Didn't I tell you to wear gloves?"

"Did you honestly think I was going to listen?" I asked, giving him a small smile. He grinned widely back. Then without notice the mood changed as I was smacked in the face with a snowball. I looked over Sirius' shoulder to see James with his hands over his mouth. Apparently his target was Sirius. Sirius spun around quicker then you could ever imagine and wailed James on right in his chest. He doubled over momentarily and I knew the game was on. I backed off unnoticeably.

What I noticed however, was that Sirius Black wasn't wearing gloves either. And his hands kept mine warm for those brief moments they came in contact, and in those moments I could swear to Merlin, this is how you're supposed to feel.

I was wrong.

-------------------------------------------

I've noticed something, with the rise of the newest evil do-er in wizard land; how often ideas can really be repeated. Like, for example, many of the so called 'pureblood' wizards idolize Voldemort because his genocide-like ideas to kill off all muggleborns are seemingly original and revolutionary. What they don't realize is that less then a few decades ago, there was a man with the same train of mind; he thought his race and blood was better then them all and he is responsible for the deaths of 6 million Jews and another 6 million people who happened to be anything from disabled, brown haired, women, young children, and perhaps the one that hits closest to home for me- homosexuals.

As I said before, I felt so…right in that time just holding Sirius' hand…and now I realize just how corrupt and wrong that was. Because all I could think about after he let go was this: to continue holding his hand at that moment may have condemned him to death, years ago. And who's to say it wouldn't have condemned him to death now? People still weren't exactly accepting of being gay, as I pointed out before. I would be foolish to say I'm not scared of everyone in the school finding out about my sexuality. I'm almost more afraid of this as them finding out I'm a bloody werewolf.

This is my train of thought as I walked down the corridor alone, telling the rest of the guys that I was going to go back inside because I was cold. Sirius gave me a pointed look but soon became absorbed in his game when a snowball cracked him on the nose. Students were just now gathering to hit lunch before moving onto afternoon classes. I filed in after a small group of girls I knew from my classes. They giggled as the noticed my presence. Even though they claim to be more mature then us guys, at least we don't giggle when the opposite sex approaches. Stepping out of her group to walk with me was Lily Evans, the apple of James' eye, and one of my good friends from prefect duties. She grinned somewhat uncomfortably at me, and then even went as far as to grasp my hand and pull me aside from her bubbly group and down a separate corridor.

"Has James said anything about me lately?" Lily asked. I tried my best not to look troubled.

"Lately, Lily? You're all he ever talks about." I said, rather harsh. "You're never going to throw him off, Lily. You'll just have to adapt."

"Oh Remus…" She sighed. "I don't know if I want to throw him off anymore." I widened my eyes at her, shaking my head.

"I hope you have a merry Christmas, Lily. But playing these games with James is just going to make everyone point at you and go 'ho, ho, ho.'" She look absolutely affronted, and I felt bad, taking out all my frustrations of the day out on her, but what could I say? I was moody and prissy and gay and a bloody werewolf. Welcome to the life of Remus Lupin.

"Remus, how dare you? You have no idea. I'm starting to care for him, and I think…fuck, Remus. I think I love him." Her eyes, blazing, met mine and I stared as unwillingly back, both of us never giving. "I can't-I just can't-" and horribly angry, she tore away from me and from the corner we were talking in I saw her stride right outside of the school, and into the winter. Gathering my composure and trying not to look like the slinky asshole I was, I walked into lunch, sat down, and though not quite feeling like it, I ate.

After lunch, I went to classes, yet they seemed so empty without Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily. After classes, only Peter and James showed up for dinner. Padfoot went to the village to cool some steam- apparently he was raving about something. I wasn't stupid enough to even mention my fight with Lily, but James did notice her disappearance. So after dinner, I retired to bed and so did Wormtail and Prongs, exhausted from the escapades in the snow.

About 2AM, Sirius burst into the dormitory, freezing from head to toe but burning incandescently. He shouted out names which seemed so foreign- he rarely called us anything but "Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs"- and scrambled through the room to his bed with a beautiful but bruised girl. She was bleeding, awake but harmed, and Sirius felt a surge of worry. Even through this, she tried to smile, but her jaw was turning purple and was broken, and so he screamed our names again. James was first to realize something was sincerely wrong and sprang from the mattress in a frenzy, asking what was occurring, but this was before he spotted the girl in the bed of his best mate.

Oh, how the mighty fall. James dropped to his knee caps and took out his wand, choking back tears; he began to fix her wounds. He was the best at healing spells, but such passion for a young woman disrupted him and he faltered, so afraid of failure he was setting himself up for it.

"_Malignis religna_." I broke in, mending her jaw as well as I could. James nodded in thanks and gently moved her hair from her forehead and she raised an arm to him and parted her lovely, dry lips to speak.

"Death Eaters." She whispered. James turned to grasp Sirius' arm but he was already out the door to the common room. There was nothing left for me to do for Lily, and so I tore off after Padfoot, leaving James alone with his love. He kissed her hand and she let out a soft moan. "Not there, James. Give me a proper one."

"Lily, oh Lily, you're so hurt…I'm scared."

"Don't be." She said, pulling his face closer to her lips. She pecked him so soft it felt like air. "I'm not. I'm with you." With that, he looked her in the eyes, took up his wand, and started doing what he could for the girl who trusted him completely, loved him.

"Sirius!" I roared, despite the fact that half the castle was sleeping, and we tore through the entrance hall way and onto the grounds. Down the outside steps we flew and suddenly Sirius' feet couldn't find the floor, he slipped and cracked his ass on the stone. Normally, I would've laughed but he was so…incensed that there was nothing to find funny. He growled ferociously and I didn't step back, only came forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. Something finally connected in my mind. He was the one to find Lily, what if he glimpsed the Death Eaters at work? Was work even the word? To them, this was pleasure. Fun. Death Eaters at play.

"He attacked Lily because of me!" Sirius shouted. "Fucking ME!" He let out a sound between a sob and a scream and suddenly his face was buried in his hands and he was trembling in the cold and in his shame and fury. I didn't know what to do- I wanted to hug him. If I was a girl, that's what I would've done, let him know I was here for him, but I was just Remus Lupin, and I didn't know right and wrong. I knelt in front of him instead and kept my hands on his broad shoulders. He looked up desperately. "I was walking because I was infuriated that you left us outside. I was angry and I didn't know why. I smoked a lot, and then eventually I realized smoking didn't replace my hunger. I started walking back to go to the kitchens and then I passed Regulus and a few other pieces of shit picking on some girl. They looked like they were about to kill her and I came bursting over and they all scattered, save for my brother, if you could call him that. And he said- he said the best way to torture me was to torture my friends. He'd start by hitting James where it hurts, and then…they'd move on to you." He broke eye contact and glanced back at his feet. All I wanted to do was hug him, but I still refrained, but I placed a hand under his chin and raised it so he looked at me in the face.

"I was the reason Lily was out in the woods tonight. I really…oh shit, Sirius, I think I seriously hurt her today. And I felt like such an ass. This whole thing is no ones fault but Regulus and his cronies." He moved his hands from cradling his head to holding onto my shoulders as well and we met somewhere in between the crossfire- a hug and a hold. He leaned his forehead against mine and I closed my eyes, overwhelmed.

What the hell was he doing to me?

"She didn't want to go to the hospital wing. She wanted to see James. Remus…I think she thought she was going to die tonight."

"She won't. Not tonight, and definitely not without James around to try and stop it." He smiled at me and then started to use my body as leverage to stand, but soon after refused to move. "What's wrong?" I asked, thinking he had been hexed.

"My ass hasn't been so sore since the time my dear mother walloped me for eating muggle candy." I cracked a true grin at him and outstretched my hand to him, in a completely different meaning as before when we were in the snow and helped him up; I used a spell on his lovely arse so he could walk without pain. He placed an arm around my neck gingerly and glanced at his watch. "Let's go get some butterbeer and bring it back to the dorm, eh?" I nodded at him, smiling, and we entered the entrance hall only to delve down into the dungeons towards the kitchens.

We met no Slytherins, we met no eyes, and tonight we could be Sirius and Remus out on a night walk without whispered conversations the next morning about us.

If only I truly knew how the Death Eaters planned on hurting me to get on Sirius, I would've never risked what I did.


	3. You're My Best Friend

**Hey you guys, it's me Lena. Um, I appreciate the feedback I've gotten on this story, but some more reviews would be really, really awesome so if you've got something to say, please say it! )**

**Chapter Three-**

"**You're My Best Friend" - Queen**

"Lily's coming back home with me for Christmas." James said, sitting down at the table in the morning, still grinning slightly from the knowledge I was sure he gained last night. "Do you guys mind?" He asked, and suddenly his mood changed drastically. Sirius looked like he was about to make a snide comment- Sirius was always so jealous of Lily, especially around the holidays- but I interfered.

"Prongs, that's perfectly fine. I was going to stay at the Leaky Cauldron anyways since my mother and father are out of town. I'll still be coming over Christmas morning for my presents." I smirked at James, thinking about the presents he was sure to get from Lily over the holidays. Sirius furrowed his brow, no doubt in deep thought. He sighed.

"I was kind of looking forward to getting out of my lonely apartment, but I'll be okay there. And I'm also coming over for Christmas…and maybe a few days in between. But I'll leave the nights to you two." Sirius said, gesturing at Lily who had just walked into the hall and made herself comfortable between James and Peter. She smiled smally at him and Sirius did something that surprised me to the core. He reached across the table for her hand to shake. "Welcome, Miss Evans, to my family."

Family. That's what we were until the day we die. And with Death Eaters around you'll never know how soon that could be.

"Thank you, Sirius. Pass the bacon?" And he did, and we continued on eating as if we were used to a female presence, and she continued on as if she sat there her whole life.

"Padfoot-" James addressed him, with a dawning look across his face "-why don't you get a room at the Leaky along with Moony? You'll get out of the house and you guys can come over during the day." I hesitated. A hotel room with Sirius? Not even two separate ones? That would imply major things, and that would be hard to show our true intentions, that we were just friends. But for some reason hearing someone suggest that made my body tingle like a little girl thinking over the prospect of candy canes.

"I don't want to bother Moony." I couldn't let him say that, though I still had worries, letting think he was intruding was something I couldn't allow.

"Padfoot, you're not intruding, you're invited." I said simply, biting into a chocolate éclair that I had been nibbling on since the start. He looked up at me, his eyes grateful and then shrugged to play it off coolly- but I had already glimpsed how much it meant to him.

"As long as you don't mind, then it's settled. After all, we're family, you've got to love me." Sirius answered smiling.

"Uh-oh. I hope that rule doesn't apply to me." Lily jokingly quipped. Sirius raised his glass to her, to symbolize the fact that he got him good.

Family. Brothers. Brothers on a hotel bed.

I stormed away, so frustrated at her antics and ended up in the luggage compartment of the train. The door slammed shut after I stepped in.

"Explain." His voice is dead calm. Dead calm is a sign for dead anger. I know right away that he is not a happy camper. I just can't see why he's so frustrated and angry.

"What's there to tell?" I ask back, staring into his grey eyes. They're unreadable. He seems to be pushing me away from him instead of taking me in. With each word I uttered, his eyes become darker and his mouth and fist tighten.

"I saw her kiss you, Remus. Don't play me as a fool." He quipped. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I couldn't believe I was having this discussion with him. Like she was something I wanted at all. She was bloody nothing. "You let my cousin kiss you." He answered, shaking his head in astonishment. "Is that the only reason we became friends?" He yelled, angrily. Now he was barely making sense.

"Sirius-" I cut him off furiously, never feeling so incensed. "My god; if you saw it then you know what happened. She came up to me, SHE shoved her tongue down my throat, and I pushed her back." He came over to me and wrapped his arms around the collar of my robe and he shoved me back against the luggage shelf with a fraction of the force he held inside of him. I gulped.

"Stay away from my family, Remus." He barked. I grasped his wrists and unfairly pushed him back against the other side, with an amount of strength I didn't remember that I had. In surprise, Sirius let out a little gasp.

"Family?" I asked, rhetorically. "You can't pick and choose when to call them family, Sirius! I wouldn't touch anyone with the name Black for any sum of money or power in the world." I released my hold on him, trembling. "They're not your family, Sirius. We are. She's nothing but a no good bitch who wants to cause trouble." I stepped away from him, as far back as I could and I let him stand there against the ledge, looking lost. He moved forward, away from the trunks, and without a word, he reached for the pack of cigarettes in his robe pocket. He lit up, blew out the beginning smoke, and I stepped closer to him and broke his cancer stick, cracked the foundation of his addiction in half. "Coward." I called him, walking out.

I burst into the compartment with James and Peter sitting there, staring at us in complete wonder. They had heard every word, apparently, considering the fact that they were seated right by the back. I sat down beside James in a complete slump and he stared at me as if I was something shocking. He opened his mouth to speak, but then Sirius stormed in after.

"Don't you dare, Moony." He addressed me, snarling. "Don't you dare call me a coward and then walk out like a bloody pussy. You start a battle, finish it." He said, stepping straight in front of me. I rose up.

"You want me to finish something your way, Padfoot? Do you want me to tell you to go to the Whomping Willow tomorrow night in human form so I can rip you to shreds? If that's your way of dealing with things, I'm through with you! NOW GET OUT MY FACE!" If looks could kill, I'd be dead. Really. He was so bloody angry- but Padfoot hid his pain in anger. And I hid my fear in anger. I was so scared, scared of why he was in so much pain. Did he really believe I'd betray him like that? For the second time this day, Sirius did something cowardly. He murmured 'fine' and slammed the compartment door shut, turning down the hallway. I pulled my legs close to my face and rested my head against them. Peter scooted out as well, leaving James and I alone. He sat stunned.

"Care to share what brought this on?" He asked, in a slightly squeaking voice.

"Narcissa Black."

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She tasted sweet, like strawberries and rather seductive, but I was repulsed. Beautiful though she may be, two slight problems stood in the way of me enjoying this moment we were sharing together. Her personality and my sexuality. I pushed her back, absolutely shocked and muttered incoherent swear words. She pressed closer against me and reached around to lock the door.

"My cousin doesn't have to know, Remus. We can kill two birds with one stone. We end that shameless discussion of your sexual orientation and I can piss off my family in one foul swoop. And don't act like I'm such a bad choice, darling." She nibbled on my lip and I only leaned back as far as I could.

"I'm not acting, Narcissa. I'm afraid we're sharing something that isn't all too shared. I'll ask you nicely- back off." Being sexually harassed sure did suck. And being the man I should have the power to push her away. I'm bloody puzzled; Narcissa kissing me obviously told me something was up on her side (the dark side) of life. Something was about to happen. That scared me more then her supposed sexual attraction to me.

"Remus, I'm giving you a last chance." She answered, pouting.

"I'm refusing." With that, she stormed out the door and I soon followed suit, hoping to get away from the world for a while and dream about my vacation time with Sirius. I thought life couldn't get better then what was about to come. Turns out, it only got so much worse.

After I recapped this all to James, he sat there only silently. I omitted certain parts- like the fact that I was much too consumed with Sirius Black himself to even think about getting in with his family- but he didn't question. It was almost as if he knew. But he couldn't know- wouldn't ever know, I vowed- this was my secret to keep, unlike being a lycanthropist, this secret of mine could be deadly to them. Not just myself. By the time the train pulled into the station, I hadn't seen Sirius or spoken to him again. I looked at James and he only shrugged.

"If I see him, Remus, I'll send him over. You know my house is the place he's most likely to show up at first." I nodded and James pulled me close to him in a 'manly' hug, something I was quite used to giving him. With Sirius our hugs were so much different and sometimes it felt nice to be hugged like a man, not always like something gentle or breakable. James let go and I gave Peter an awkward pat on the back, not saying it but I truly felt like the man in this situation. They bid goodbye and I'm free to wander to the Leaky Cauldron, wrapped in a ratty, no good cloak in a thin layer of ice and snow.

He always looked so at peace in winter. Winter had a hold on him the same way it had a hold on the trees, snow and frost still clinging like little children to the frozen branches. The same way I desperately clung to him for the companionship I often needed but could never have provided to me. How could I ever expect him to offer to me what would be so horribly judged? I didn't want to put him through that, so I never allowed him to know the truth; that it was all I really wanted. All I really wanted was the ability to hold him, to kiss him and tell him that he was loved, and that he didn't have to feel alone any longer because I could offer him something we both knew of but neither had. But that would cause him pain and suffering which I could never bear. Oh if anyone but me saw the way that boy smiled, the snow falling would have melted from the cold sidewalk, but no one did so I paced myself for a slow trudge to the inn and wondered if I could ever make him that happy again and he would smile like that just for me to own. I knew the answer was no.

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Finally, after five hours of waiting around for James, I couldn't take it. I had to leave the room and wander through London, even if it took me days to find him I had to. The thought that I had no idea were he was and what he was doing scared me. I liked to know, knowledge was a key thing in my life and not only that but, fuck, I usually always knew and just this one time was killing me. I bundled up much better then I usually did. Scarf, gloves, a dorky plaid hat with a broken fluff ball on the top but damn, at least it was warm. I pulled my cloak as tight as I could and flew down the stairs. I was stopped at the bar, finding it quite hard to push my way through. It turns out I didn't have to wander to far to find the bloody boy. He was downing a last shot of firewhiskey and I caught sight of him just in time to see him order another one, then promptly pass out in his chair, collapsing to the ground. Anxious, annoyed, frightened, and hurt I made an 'EEK!' noise and walked over to him and tucked half of his body under my arms.

"Thanks fur movin 'im, sonny, I didn't wanna 'ave ta leave 'im in the street." Disgusted, I worked alone for almost 10 minutes getting Sirius' body up the stairs. I unlocked the door and placed him on the bed I decided that was to be his and shuffled through my bag to find something I learned the hard way to always have when you're around Sirius Black. A Pepper Me Up potion. I forced some down his throat and suddenly his eyes sprang open and he took in the room around him, still obviously drunk but at least the little asshole was awake.

"Remus! I hopes I didn't keeps you too long." He made to stand up and leave but he couldn't even sit straight. "I'm tireded, Moony, and I don't want to fight anymore. Padfoot just wants to sleep." I nodded at his rambling and proceeded to untie his shoes. He giggled. "You're like a mother, Remmy! Can you tuck me in to?" He asked, like a little girl. I figured he never had a real mother growing up and pitied him. That was my reasoning as to why I tucked him in and not because of the fact that he was just so damn cute. I turned out the light and locked the door before taking off all my outer wear and climbing into my own, separate bed, wishing I had some alcohol to numb the pain.

A whimper from a bed, a shuffle of large, manly feet, and cold breeze that hits you when someone lifts the covers from your warm body jerked me back to reality from my tired state.

"What the hell are you doing, Padfoot?" I asked, dreary. I made to move him but he was fighting me and wouldn't budge. He got his way and laid down beside me.

"Don't leave me alone in the dark!" He whispered, before snuggling into my arm. "If you love someone, you don't leave them alone." The wise words of a drunken, five year old Sirius Black. But it seemed like the truest words he had ever said to me. Needless to say, I fell asleep, knowing there'd be hell to pay in the morning, but there was always hell to pay, apologies to be said, but I Remus Lupin, felt like living in the moment, so I let him sleep with me and decided tomorrow I could blame it on the only way he would shut up. It felt good, though wrong, to have a scapegoat. But the scapegoat was going to cost me.

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"**_Sirius, NO!" I called back. "It's not worth it, Sirius! What they're talking about is impossible, it can't be done. DON'T believe them, don't make the GOD DAMN DEAL!" I shouted, jinxing a particularly scary looking Death Eater in the face, causing him to fall. "Sirius, it's not worth it- don't give up something like that for me, I'm not worth that mu-"_**

"**_Remus, shut up!" He roared. He held his hand out to the bitch. How I fucking hated her right now. "Remus, I need you to witness. Just pay attention while you're fighting." Knowing I couldn't stop it in anyway while defending myself I screamed and continued with the battle, trying to focus on him, hoping he'd change his mind though I knew he never would._**

"_**I, Sirius Black, make this unbreakable vow."**_

_**That's when the curse hit me. I groaned and collapsed to the ground, in so much pain that all I remember doing was pass out.**_


	4. Mr Brightside

**Chapter Four-**

"**Mr. Brightside" The Killers**

I woke up the next morning to of course find the space behind me empty. I looked around and saw his own bed empty…again. I tried to keep myself from frowning, tried to stay aloof but of course I was hurt. Then I heard a strange sound, like someone yurking up everything they had in them. And I noticed the W.C door was shut. I timidly knocked.

"Sirius? Do you need some-" since his face was attached to the toilet he kicked the door open as hard as he could and beckoned me in. I left there first to grab another Pepper Me Up potion to fight his hangover and then came back, looking confused as to what to do. His slight bangs were getting in the way. I put my hand back to hold his loose hair so he could finish the "job" he already started, and he soon did, body shaking and all. I handed him the potion and he drank it from his quivering hands. He soon stopped and pulled his legs up to his mouth, like everyone did when their stomach was churning like butter. "Can you…can you make out of this room?" I asked him, not quite sure of the answer.

"Yeah…" He whispered. I figured the potion would kick in fast. He stood up and slowly ambled his way over, though each step he took looked a lot less stressed then the other. He then proceeded to lie down. Strangely enough, he had chosen my bed, which was farther back then his and I decided not to question him about this, seeing as he felt sick enough already. "Thanks…" He offered after a few minutes. I took that as my cue to stop being so watchful and to back off.

"Anytime." I answered, moving to my luggage to take out a shirt.

"I don't mean for just this morning, either. For last night too." He added. I nodded, feeling very modest and decided not to say anything back this time. I wondered how well he remembered everything last night, especially after I gave him that one potion (which was surprisingly weak in it's results). I stripped off my night clothes and into some tatted jeans and in the spur of the moment I placed on a warm sweater beneath my robes. I felt snuggled and safe.

Sirius seemed to stare at me and when I glanced, his lips were moving. And so was his voice. I told you before, Sirius' voice was no where near the best but he could carry a tune and sometimes it made me want to die inside. This was one of those times. I closed my eyes and turned from him, filled with emotion and I truly didn't want him to see me so…passionate. Talk about awkward.

"_Well there was a time when you let me know what was really going on below but now you never show that to me, do you? But remember when I moved in you and the holy dove was moving to? And every breath we drew was 'Hallelujah', Hallelujah, Hallelujah…" _God, was he killing me softly with his song. I interrupted his singing to save myself some face and embarrassment.

"I'm going for breakfast downstairs. Do you want me to bring you anything up?" And then the regular Sirius was back. Of course, I broke his moment of 'sentiment' and he would bounce right back to how he was when he thought he was showing us his 'true self'. He became this humorous, arrogant, handsome little bugger instead of just being Sirius Black. But I didn't push it.

"That's why you bothered to actually get dressed up?" He smirked, sitting up on the bed. Damn the potion, chirpy Sirius was about hours too early. "There's this lovely thing called room service, Remus." They had muggle telephones at the Leaky Cauldron, and you didn't have to dial anything, saving the population of travelers from confusion. It just connected you to the front desk. Sirius requested room service- "2 of everything you offer for breakfast"- and then quickly learned a hard lesson about the cost of the good life- "10 galleons?!"- but soon slammed down the receiver and inclined his head at the door when there was a knocking sound. He handed me the money from his pocket and smiled. "Get that, wouldja?" I walked to the door and opened it.

SO not the damn room service.

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**_She cackled, like one of those old hag witches in muggle movies, and temper forgotten I reached out and clocked her a nice one right in the side of the jaw and there was a sickening crunch. She screamed in pain and of course, I brought the wrath of her lover boy down on to me, totally defenseless with no wand. I fell to the ground under the Cruciatus curse and writhed in pain. When it was lifted, I placed a hand on the lower half of my chest but stood up as fast as I could and barked out a command at them._**

"_**Tell me where you took Sirius to." **_

"**_What makes you think Sirius is the one in danger, and not yourself?" All they could do was laugh. I prayed for an instant that I had the agility enough to kill her. Instead, I ended up with my arm around her throat and I placed her in between Lucius and myself. She whimpered. I felt ashamed, but it was what had to be done. There were evil; they weren't humans. Why should I care if I cause them pain? What I was doing, putting them in this position, was the lowest blow of all, but then again- they had done it to Sirius and for that, I couldn't begin to forgive. "Give me my wand or I snap her neck. And don't act like I couldn't do it." I spit out at him. He stared, stunned, and I think he half considered not giving me the wand. I would've taken no time. Same with Sirius. We would never risk each other's lives. Lucius handed over and I held Narcissa out in front of me for a few minutes, planning my best exit. I shoved her into him as hard as I could, then tore down the hallway and through the first door I saw. 5 Death Eaters, in a circle around Sirius who was holding his own. He caught the edge of a stinging hex and I saw it burn but he didn't stop, ever. I took out two Death Eaters from behind who hadn't noticed me with lucky stunning hexes, but then the battle really started going. And not to mention the fact that Sirius had just gotten hit with a stunning spell. Oh fucking Merlin, help us._**

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I opened the door, and it revealed a whore. And no, I'm not just trying to be a poet. There, at only …1130AM stood a scantily clad, teenage whore that I just happened to know by name. Alyssa Fozzina, who attended our school and was a year below us. Apparently she was about to get 'below' Sirius. I coughed horridly and even dared as to stick my hand out with the money. Alyssa looked absolutely appalled.

"Siri! Baby, what's this?" She asked, rather confused. She scrunched her nose as if I was a piece of dirt to her- a bloody nuisance. If only she knew how much she was inconveniencing me. Sirius looked as if he was about to burst out laughing by the fact that I offered her money. He moved to let her in and she sat down, crossing her legs on MY bed- the one I picked out as mine. He leaned close to my ear to whisper conspiringly.

"Dammit, Remus, I thought that was the room service for Alyssa and me. I thought I could have her some food before they got here, but apparently not. By the way, don't ever offer a girl money until after she's done her job." Sirius quipped, running his fingers through his hair. I felt my eyes get extremely narrow in dislike. He seemed to squirm. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like the room for the rest of the morning, okay mate?" I didn't even give him an answer. I shoved his ten galleons into my pocket and slammed the door shut after my receding back. I thought he would at least scream out my name, maybe not in desire but to at least retrieve his money but he never did.

Of course, it was too good to be true. I should have never believed that he'd order me and him breakfast. Of course he ordered breakfast to share with a girl, not one of his bloody best friends, especially the one he had just thanked so graciously. Was this how Sirius treated people? Left them alone in the dark? Figuratively, of course. It may have been daytime but it wasn't cold enough for snow- just plain old Londontime rain- and the grey of the city spread to my bones. I had just gotten kicked out of a hotel room, under MY name, so the guy I was in love with could get it on with some whore. What a bloody nightmare. Of course the first place I went to was James' house. I banged on the door almost as hard as Sirius was getting banged right now. Imagine my surprise when the one to answer was of course Lily Evans.

"It's been 12 hours, and you two are already fighting again?" She asked, sighing. She moved aside to let me in and I started to whip my scarf and jacket off in a frenzy.

"I can't believe he did this, Lily. I just can not believe it." The scary thing was, I wanted to tell Lily every reason I was mad- because I hated prostitution, I hated the games Sirius played, and how much I loved Sirius to begin with. With one look though Lily seemed to get the jist of my anger.

"Oh, so he STILL brought the girl over, aye?" My nostrils flared. Lily knew about Alyssa, which meant James did to. And neither of them bothered to tell me? She caught on really fast, she was much too perceptive for her own good. "He came here for ten minutes last night, Remus, and told us about how he was going to finish this argument his way. He decided to have a girl come over in the morning and set you up. Then James seemed to talk him out of it. At least Sirius promised James he wouldn't go through with it, but I guess he did. Then he said he was going back to the Leaky to apologize to you." I nodded at her, slowly.

"I had to drag him from the bar at 330 this morning." I answered back, now grumbling. She looked sympathetic. "He could have the decency to at least do it on his own bed." I finally added, afterwards. She placed a hand on my shoulder and then directed me to James' kitchen for a glass of tea. I didn't even want to ask how she already memorized the workings of James' kitchen.

"James is going to kick his bloody ass when he hears what Sirius did." She said, placing the cuppa in front of me. I shook my head no, mid-swallowing a heaping, burning gulp of fabulous tea.

"No, Lily, don't tell James that Sirius went through with this. It'll just cause more drama, and this is something I'm going to handle with Sirius myself." I stood up to surf through James' pantry for some cereal. "Speaking of Prongs, where is the little bugger anyways?"

"Coming down the stairs right now to bother his best friends!" He yelled from the top. He appeared, his hair obviously wet but still sticking up everywhere. He gave me another one of his trademark 'man hugs'. "Where's Padfoot?" I glanced at Lily. He already knew as well. Though I didn't want him to really get involved, I knew he could read both me and Lily as easy as glass. "Oh no, he did it, didn't he?"

"Actually, I think he's probably still 'doing it'." I finished, shuttering at the thought (not to mention my jealousy). Prongs only shook his head in disgust.

"When I get through with him-" to my surprise it was Lily who spoke for me.

"Jimmy, let Remus handle this one with Sirius his self. I know they're your best friends but it's their thing to resolve. Remus knows you're on his side, I think that's enough." I knew James took her words a lot more seriously then he would've taken mine, since Lily was expertly trained at hitting right into someone's mind that triggers them to understand something. James' eyes connected with mine and I nodded to let him know I thought Lily was right. He instantly backed off me and just nodded. I smiled at him.

I would never let them know how much Sirius was killing me inside.

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I was weak, much to weak to be walking home alone, since tonight is the full moon (it's now 230AM) and I was fatigued. James, Lily, and I were all unable to apparate so I leaned on James a bit more then I wished I had to and they helped me back. The stairway to the hotel room was too crowded, so Lily stayed downstairs and bade me goodnight. By the time we reached my room Prongs looked weaker then I did.

"Thanks, James." I said, graciously. He smiled, exhausted but proud.

"Anytime, Moony." I opened my door and stepped inside and entered as quietly as I could…before I tripped over scattered plates of Jell-O and puddings. I crashed to the ground and instantly Sirius' head shot up from his pillow to glare at me.

"I'm trying to fucking sleep." He spat. I rolled my eyes and began to clean up the mess of food. What was Sirius thinking? He wasn't an animal; therefore I saw no need to live like one.

"Really, because here I am thinking you're trying to fuck yourself asleep." I answered back, in a would-be casual voice, but it was brutal for me, so clumsy and feeble and apathetic. I stumbled to my wardrobe and looked for clothes but found the effort too much. I instead, against better judgment, collapsed on my bed.

"Why the hell are you coming in so late anyways?" He barked at me, rolling over so his back was facing me.

"I don't harass you for answers, don't question me." He scoffed.

"You don't harass me because you already know what I do at night. But I guess I know what you do, too. Howl at the moon? Well, so do I, Remus, but only when a girl is particularly good." Sirius finally hit an all-time low, rubbing in my face being a werewolf. I guess it was deserved, since the other day I had brought up him having homicidal feelings for Snape. This is why I didn't tell Sirius how I felt; because it only would be another thing for him to use against me. My eyes filled with tears, but I would not cry. I will not sob. At least, a noisy sob. I can't control the fact that my eyes were tearing, but he would never hear me be broken because of something he said. He seemed to sense something, his body tightening. "Tomorrow night's the full moon, isn't it?"

"Yes." was all I could say. He was quiet for a few seconds, but found a small voice soon after.

"Are we still going to the shack, then?" He asked. I closed my eyes tightly and sighed.

"I am." I decided to say.

"Well, I guess that means I am to." I had no idea what to say. First he manipulates my being a werewolf to hurt me, but now he uses it to be kind to me? I just placed a cool hand on my forehead, feeling overheated and flushed and embarrassed. He took off his covers, climbing out of bed in his pajama pants and no shirt to kneel beside my bed. He placed his hand next to mine on my head and sighed. "You're burning up Moony. And you're wearing seven layers of clothing. Take some off before you get hotter then you already are." I shoved his hand off my forehead, as hard as I could (which wasn't hard at all), but still complied. I shed my robes and my sweater. He returned with a cool washcloth and draped it below my hairline.

"Back off, Padfoot." I finally said. He didn't move.

"I'm sorry." He said. I knew it was hard for him to apologize, and it touched me that he did but at the same time, it DIDN'T. Sorry wasn't enough. He said it all the time but still ended up hurting me. Well, I was sorry too, that I had to put up with this, that I always put up with it, and that I could never stop putting up with it.

"And if I said I didn't care this time?" I inquired, trying not to look at him and instead closing my eyes.

"I'd show you that I'm serious." I ignored the over used pun there and instead scoffed. The sound tore from my throat like I had chronic bronchitis, so rough and pitiful.

"Are you, Sirius? I can never tell." Silence rang and it was almost as if he had stopped breathing. I opened my eyes to check only to find he had his closed. He sighed too, forlorn, and then kept his head facing the ground, as if he was praying.

"**Are you tired, Moony?"** He asked. I nodded, then realizing he couldn't see that motion, simply said yes. **"Then listen to me. And share a dream with me. Close your eyes and picture this."** I nodded, uselessly, and listened. **"We're in the heart of London at a playground called Pierson Park, in a blizzard where all the trees were covered in snows like children in warm, toasty beds, with imprints of snow angels whose owners were no longer there."** He seemed to hesitate but thought the better. **"Sooner or later we become engrossed in each other, just existing, and the snow- lord, the snow. It covers us so much I'm sure from far away we just look like 1 snowman, not even snowmen like we were."** He answered slowly. **"Just one, Remus. And you're not thinking. You're not trying to stop yourself from feeling, you're just letting go, and I'm not trying to win a game or make you like me, I'm just being myself. And your hands aren't gloved, because you never remember to bring them and mine are warm. I take your hand, and suddenly you feel okay, safe, and so do I."** I closed my eyes tighter, enjoying the picture so much that it's beginning to feel real- or maybe it was the fact that he was actually holding my hand now and instead of cooling down I only started to burn up again but he was right, I felt okay. **"Since you're not trying to stop yourself from thinking, you let me know you're concerned about something but there's no one else but us around for miles. So to calm you down, all I say is, 'just blend'. But we can't do that being two people so I pull you closer to me and-" **he stopped with words then and let go off my hand only to place both of his on the side of my cheeks and lean over to kiss me gently. **"make us look like one person. From far away, no one can tell." **He pecks my lips again I'm so shaky I can barely place a hand in his hair but I manage to and he responds quickly, pressing harder against my lips and moaning. I can't open my eyes, afraid that this isn't happening, that I'm asleep. I feel him place a leg over me carefully and never breaking our kissing he has one knee against my left thigh and another in between my crotch. When I arch my back up to kiss him harder his knee brushes against my lower area and I pull away accidently from him in surprise to gasp. I involuntarily opened my eyes but found he had his closed tighter shut then I had mine and he pulled his crotch against mine and I bucked my hips up, groaning now in complete and utter desire for him, the worse I had ever felt. The scariest thing was, he did it again and I was still so, so, so aching for him and this time he expelled so much air from his lung I thought he would die…He started then to cough and I knew he was in just as much shock as I was; he flew off from on top of me and raced away to the window, facing it for close to five minutes silently and I could not bear to look at him either, so taken aback and ghastly distraught.

As quick as it started as quick as it ended. He climbed into his bed but not before saying those three, reliable words I knew would come from him.

"Don't tell ANYONE."

**A/N - to the reviewers and the readers (who should review if they don't because I love you P) who are disappointed by the lack of…ahem, ACTION in this ending here, I will say I agree with you so much in that lack of yumminess that there is an alternate one, but once I realized this is rated T, I couldn't put it in there without feeling bloody horrid. So, if you'd like to read the UNEDITED one, leave a review and I'll send it on over to you.**

**Along with some cookies, too.**

**This story is hopefully no where near over if you all like it, so, have fun reading!**

**Until February 6th- **

**Lena AKA Padfoot of the Binglish marauders.**


	5. Hallelujah

**Chapter Five-**

"**Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley**

I was five when I first died. The first time Death had brushed up against me, it was in the form of a ferocious wolf, so lucid and overtaken by passion I knew that he was Death. He kissed me with his fangs and then I to, died, and was banished to the life I live now. Twelve years have passed since that day. The day of my death was also a day of a sort of 'birth'; I became lycan.

It was hard to pull myself out of bed the next morning. I was weak and now even weaker from an abysmal amount of sleep and a sore body, thick with guilt and rejection. I was beyond hurt when I dragged myself to the loo to wash up. I had hardly noticed today's date.

December 25th. Happy birthday, Jesus Christ. Why am I celebrating you when you've abandoned me? I dressed as easily as I could and on my way out I grabbed four packages; James, Peter, Lily, and against my better judgment I grabbed Sirius' present. I glanced on my way out the door- he was long gone, by the looks of it. Gathering my pride, my presents, and my posture, I booked out of the hotel room and took advantage of something I rarely used- my ability to apparate. I preferred walking, really. All the time. And I am the only person in our group who actually bothered to take the test. But I was so tired from my exertions that I had no energy left to drag myself two miles. Since the Potter's had charms surrounding their land, I arrived in front of their house at the driveway and walked on their perfectly clear walk. I banged ceremoniously on the door and waited for an answer. James ripped open the door, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Happy Christmas, Remus." He said, glancing at his feet. I nodded and returned the greeting. "Um...well, I don't know how to tell you this but Sirius is going to throw a hissy fit once I tell him you're here. Not that I care much about Sirius' opinion on things lately, seeing as he's been such an arse. I just wanted to give you fair warning that this is going to be a cold Christmas morning and not at all the warming season."

"It's always a cold morning. Christmas day is never warming until the eggnog gets brought out." On this thought, James grins now and invites me into his home and even takes the two top packages from me. I follow him silently and step into the family room where Mr. and Mrs. Potter are sitting together on the loveseat and Sirius and Lily are on the ground surrounded by wrapping paper and various presents. Lily jumps up from her conversation with Sirius and knocks a lovely kiss onto my cheek.

"Merry Christmas, Remy." I smiled back at her and wish her a pleasant day as well. I walk over to the elder Potter's and shake Arnold's hand and wrap Minnie in a large hug. I glance at Sirius and he inclines his head, mostly for the benefit of Minnie and Arnold. I nod back and then settle beside Lily, while James sits behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.

"We've been waiting to exchange gifts with each other until Peter gets here, but it seems scrupulous now. So here." He passed me three packages, one from him, one from Lily, and one from the Mr. and Mrs.. Sirius surprisingly passed me a package too. I passed out the gifts I had brought with me, feeling stupid for not getting Mr. and Mrs. Potter something too, but they seemed to understand that it was a miracle I had managed to buy what I did.

**What I gave to everyone:** James received a set of heavy silver pens I had found at a muggle thrift shop that wrote in the exact green of Lily's eyes and an old fashioned leather journal, since I had always joked with James whenever he talked to me that I was not his journal and did not care to here all the sordid details- just the basic facts were enough for me to offer advice. He grinned at me and clapped me generously on the back. For Lily, I wanted to keep it rather simple, not something that might've outshone whatever James got her, so I purchased her a really beautiful scarf, with hues of maroon and brown and green, three colors that blended simply well with each other. She gasped in delight then wrapped it around her pale neck, grinning. Sirius was the most difficult to shop for; I was the least proud of his present then all the others. I bought him a muggle lighter- a Zippo- that had the image of a black dog resting in the snow on the casing. He stared at it, puzzled for a few seconds but then seemed to understand how it worked. He spun the wheel and it sparked and conjured a flame. He murmured thanks at me; I swallowed hard, hoping he did like it.

**What I Got Back:** James had bought me an elegant trench coat, dark grey and tinted black in the sleeves; long, flowing, and though my description may make it seem otherwise- it was eloquently manly, giving off the very mantra I considered James to have. It seemed hilarious that I had given Lily a scarf and she now provided me with black leather gloves, and when I held them to my nose they still held that scent of something that was ultimately 'mugglemade'. When I reached Sirius' package, I realized he was the only person who seemed to bother with cards. I opened the envelope in that precise way expected from me- controlled, structured, _straight-_ and thought, "how fucking ironic"- and read Sirius messy scrawl and envisioned his voice reading it. **_"Sorry Moony. It isn't much. Not nearly what you deserve from me, but I saw these and just somehow knew that I had to get it for you." _**I slit the wrapping paper open and peeled it off like the wrapping on a chocolate kiss (chocolate, ye gods, I forgot Christmas means homemade fudge). Inside the little trinket box was a charm and two blank chains. I picked up the charm to examine it better and found that it would break in the center, like one of those girly best friend necklaces girls pulled apart together and then kept as a promise. The charm was two wolves, curled up together under the pine trees. When you broke it they were separate. I flipped it over to read the back, feeling an engraving under my fingers. It read, 'Brothers.' I glanced up at Sirius and he sheepishly avoided my eyes. I couldn't tell if I was because I had so much gratitude or the fact that last night still brought shame to him, but I accepted it either way.

"Romulus and Remus." He said, carefully. I nodded and tucked the box in the pocket of my new coat, along with my gloves.

"Thank you, Lily. James." They nodded, grinning, but a slightly awkward silence started to fill the air. Minnie notices it, and then gazes around.

"Eggnog, anyone?" It is only 1100Am, but we all jump at once, knowing alcohol may be the only way we push ourselves through the day.

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I walked into the kitchen, about two thirty now, laughing heartily from a joke that Arnold just told and saw Sirius sitting at the table while Minnie took out things from the pantry and from the fridge to cook. I removed all materials and ingredients from her hands.

"Go out there, and enjoy the fact that your son has finally brought home the girl of his dreams. Let me cook. It'll be my present to you." She looked hesitant, grateful, but hesitant. "I can assure you, Minnie, I can cook, very well. It seems to me you were planning on making French onion soup. I can handle that very easily."

"I'm not worried about your cooking abilities, Remus, but you look ready to fall over any minute." I didn't feel that way. In fact, I felt bloody fine. In between four glasses of eggnog and a pound of fudge all by myself, I was in good spirits. "And not to mention that I don't trust you in this kitchen with all the fudge."

"Alas, my hidden motives are exposed." She pulled me into a close hug and I, surprised, wrapped my arms around her too, suddenly missing my own parents.

"You're a good man, Remus Lupin. Young, stubborn, intelligent, but you're still good. Don't kill yourself cooking. And seriously deary, you're looking rather peaky. If you start feeling weird sit yourself down, okay?" I nodded and she grasped her own cup of eggnog and strode out of the kitchen to join her husband. Being of age meant that I no longer had to slave away at slicing onions with a knife and crying my eyes out. Over the sink, I set the onions chopping and began working on a broth. I glanced behind me a few times and saw Sirius still sitting there, unresponsively. It was useless to ignore him, and this, and since I couldn't feel, I could barely stop myself. I regarded him vaguely as I stirred my concoction.

"Sleep well? You look dead." He glanced up and then back down, with no dirty glare or tears in his eyes. He did seem dead, very dead and so far away.

"I hate it when you're drunk Moony. It makes you think you have a pair of balls." He answered. Somewhere deep in my mind, I knew what he meant. I didn't care what I said to anyone when I was like this; I wasn't afraid of hurting someone else. But still, all reason was pretty much gone from me.

"I have balls, Padfoot, as you saw last night." I said. He slammed his fist on the table from his hair- the first reaction I had gotten out of him all morning.

"Can we not talk about that ri-" but I cut him off.

"If that's what you want, love, then fine. But we'll never talk about it. I know you too well, Sirius. If you want to ignore me for the rest of forever and throw whatever friendship we have away because of a mistake then I think you're the one who needs to grow a pair of balls."

"Mistake?" He questioned quietly. I looked at him for a long second before beginning to sauté the onions.

"Well, I'm sure you'll hardly call it a miracle." I heard him stand up from his chair and move towards the kitchen.

"If you want to talk about last night, I mean really talk, have the decency to come to me somewhere where we can be alone-not at James' house-and also try not to be intoxicated at the time. I'm not going to discuss anything with you unless you'll be just yourself with me. You think alcohol relaxes you? It just makes you **think** you're being you, but you're still hiding behind a mask." He shrugged his shoulders at no one and vacated the room. I cooked.

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"Remus that was the best bloody soup I've ever tasted. Where did you learn to cook so well?" Lily questioned, as she patted her small but full stomach. I grinned at her, finally finishing the last spoonful of mine.

"I share a passion for reading and a passion for cooking, a dangerous two to put together. You should see what I can do with chocolate. Thousands of recipes, one by one." I counted on my hands.

"You think since I'm so good at potions I should be able to cook but it's quite the opposite." I laughed heartily, pouring myself another glass of eggnog as James looked absolutely affronted.

"But- but Lily! When we get married, who will cook me breakfast in bed?"

"Ask Remus to live with us. You know Sirius and he would never leave us alone anyways. Dear Remus, can you cook pork and venison sausage?" She asked, as if I was being interviewed. I scrunched up my nose in disgust.

"I can only handle one kind of sausage in the morning." After saying it, there were mixed reactions. James looked bedazzled that I'd say something like this, but at the same time he burst out in astonished laughter. Lily covered her mouth after tons of girlish giggles; Minnie spit out her coffee, stunned. Arnold just laughed- so hard he started to cough in between and now sounded like a wheezing house elf. Sirius glared, searing and hotter then the fireplace we were gathered around.

"Remus, ole lad, that was the crudest joke ever said on this here Christmas day and for that I must thank you." I nodded my head as Arnold wrapped a large, threatening but at the same time accepting, arm around my shoulder. "Now tell me, when was it that you first came out of the closet to this group?" I think my face registered the surprise mingled with fear that I felt.

"Dad-" James shouted warningly to interrupt, but Arnold silenced him with a wave, thinking he was just extending an already open invitation when in fact he was handing me one right now.

"Be quiet, Jimmy, I want him to know he's always welcome here no matter what-"

"He already knows this, Arnie." Minnie injected as well, but he continued.

"So, when was it you first told my son? I mean, how long have you known? Then you obviously know about Sirius as well. Sirius has known he was bisexual- since what, 5th year, perhaps? Did it take you that long as well?"

"**Dad!**" James busted out. I was bewildered as I saw Sirius immediately get up and leave the room. Lily and I glanced at each other, completely clueless and she mouthed the words that I was thinking across to me. 'What the FUCK?' "Dad, Remus isn't gay. What in God's name would make you think this?"

"James, it's okay. Sirius came to me earlier this morning and told me what happened last night. He was a mess; he needed a father figure and I told him what to think."

"ARNOLD POTTER! HE NEEDED A FATHER FIGURE AND YOU KNOW WELL ENOUGH THAT JOB MEANS KEEPING ALL CONVERSATIONS TO YOURSELF!" Minnie shreiked. "HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF PRIVACY?"

"…or any alcohol tolerance." Lily whispered.

While the following two comments were being made James stepped in front of me. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing!" I lied again. He chased me with his eyes as I gazed were Sirius had ran to.

"Tell me or I'll ask him."

"Then ask him!" I said throwing my hands in the air. Sirius was bi. Sirius was BI. My Sirius, who I've been longing for since 3rd year, was half a pouf- half of me. James sighed frustrated and then booked up the stairs after him. Lily glanced at me. Minnie approached me, her face bright red.

"Remus dear, my lord, I'm so sorry! I-I…" I could only nod at her. Lily stood now, grasped my hand, and led me downstairs to the room where she was staying. I went to talk but she silenced me with a potion.

"I'm not talking to you about this until you're sober. Trust me. It's barely hit you yet. Drink." I listened to her. A few seconds later I let out a despaired moan and buried my face in my hands, feeling the tears roll down my face. "Remus, hey Remus, talk to me! What was that whole bloody display out there?" I shook my head and she pulled me into a hug.

I was dying again, right now, inside and out stinging with the pain of truth and deception. Sirius had told Arnold about last night's…sex romp. I could only shake my head. I had no one to turn to other then Sirius about that, but he ran straight to his father-like figure. And James…James knew Sirius was bi, but he accepted him. Arnie had suspected my homosexuality, or James and Sirius told him I was, thinking he'd never repeat it. So, for how long, exactly, had James and Sirius known about me? I crossed my arms, holding Lily tightly and could feel myself starting to rack with sobs. I cleared my throat and tried to pull myself together.

"I'm gay. As gay as a unicorn, Lily." I said to her. She nodded and seemed to grin.

"I always thought so, Remus. It's just good for me to hear it."

"Good for you to hear it?" I shot back, angrily. "How can you say that, anyways? So you all just assumed it about me, didn't you? You have no idea what it's like! It's bad enough half the school will kill me if they hear I'm a fucking werewolf, but now they'll find out I'm a fag too, and the penalties for that will probably be steeper. Everyone in our bloody school thinks the witch burnings in Salem or France were bad, well what they don't tell you is about that 17 year old in America who was tied to the back of a car and dragged down a rode until he was decapitated for being gay!"

"Remus, stop, please! It's not that bad-"

"The thing is Lily, it IS that bad! Hitler had 2 million homosexuals murdered in Germany- there's so much hate in the world! How could I ever tell you guys and risk my life, and yours! Alliances with people like me are just as bad as being one." It was silent as I buried my nose, dripping wet with tears, into her long red hair. It tickled, but at the same time I felt comforted down to my bones.

"There are so many wars these days. The thing is, very few people can pick and choose their battle. I choose this one. I'd rather die being your friend then run away because there are difficulties on the road ahead." The voice saying these words were not Lily's. I glanced up and James was standing above us, his hand on my shoulder. I stood up and threw my arms around him too, in the most unmanly hug I could muster.

The surprising thing was he hugged me back as girly as I clung to him.

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I opened my eyes to glance at the clock on the sideboard and glimpsed Sirius staring across at me, a few tears falling from his eyes. I took a deep inhale, and then closed my eyes. I passed out.

The next thing I remembered when I opened my eyes was that my fur smelt like cinnamon, and that I couldn't get it out of myself, so instead I scratched furiously. A horn jabbed me in the side and I caught the soft, doelike eyes of Prongs and I immediately retracted back from gorging my skin off and instead curled into a little ball in the corner, whining softly. Softer footsteps, like a rabbit crossing the forest ground, caught my attention and I growled at first, but Padfoot hadn't stop approaching me, despite my warning sound. Instead he laid into my stomach in a very catlike way and rested his head on my paws. He let out a soft whine too and for the first time in a long time, I felt human. He licked the underside of my jawbone, and I processed his communication.

"_You're not a monster_." And so I agreed, for once, in more then one way. I was a werewolf; I was gay. And yet, I'm still as human as ever.

**AN- Okay, so I apparently don't believe in being on time with an update. I know how frustrating that can be. Trust me, as a reader AND a writer, sometimes I want to shoot an author, but what would be the point in that? Right? Right…err…ducks from bows and arrows**

**Okay, so there's no way for me to make up for being two weeks late with an update except to promise to be on time with the next one )**

**Thank you to every reviewer and ever reader!**

**Lena**


	6. Wake Up

**Chapter Six-**

"**Wake Up" - Coheed and Cambria**

When I woke up, I was shivering and cold; naked in a dungeon, of sorts, covered in wetness. I coughed, and then noticed someone in the room. There wasn't a lot I could say or do to make light of the situation, but when I realized I wasn't alone, I thanked god I at least didn't have morning wood in front of the bitch who soaked me with a bucket of dirty, cold water.

"Narcissa, where the fuck am I?" I demanded, angrily, disorientated, and a bit tired, to say the least. She threw me pants then marched out. I slipped them on, aggregately before she stomped back in, dragging a body where muffled sounds came slurring from his mouth.

Sirius. She threw him down in front of the bars, then removed his gag and unbound his hands; one shot up to his throat, the other reached for hers. She shoved him back unceremoniously. He rolled his eyes and then turned to me, whispering because I knew he wasn't capable of talking. His throat looked bruised in some areas

"They want my pledge to join the Death Eaters." He crackled. My eyes widen, my mind was sent reeling.

"And what?" I snapped angrily at our situation. "They're going to torture you until you cave in?" He didn't shrug his shoulders, but he didn't agree either.

"They've seemed to foresaw this and have offered me something in return. Something developed that'll help you." Narcissa kicked him, and he let out a gust of air in pain, but smiled at me. "Apparently I'm not supposed to tell you what it can do." His voice, by now, still sounded painful but was much stronger. I wanted to touch him, but didn't dare in front of his family. He pulled off his torn tee-shirt from his body and offered it to me; to hide the scars he knew I couldn't stand. I pulled it on, tenderly. He nodded at me. I caught glimpse at something sticking out of his jean pocket. Cigarettes. He followed my stare, and whipped them out, offering me one. I took it for once, feeling this was a sort of toast to him.

"Don't do it." I said, carefully. He grinned.

"I wish I could tell you more, but the bitch over here will use her claws on me again." He lit mine before his. "Let's just say it'll be a fair trade. After this, you'll have no irony left in you." He said, my eyes narrowing as I processed his words. That was all I needed to know. Narcissa sunk her nails into his skin. He hissed, but rose from his spot carefully and then backed up into her by mistake. She smiled at his pain; I growled.

"Too much information at once, cousin." She stated, steering him out and simply into the hallway down two cells. "Go back to Potter and sit tight."

"James?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. There was no reply back. Sirius turned and looked back before walking in, frowning.

"He's indisposed." Sirius said, in what would be a light tone not given the situation. I held on the bars, talking calmly but I knew my face would betray all.

"Narcissa, let me tend to him." I said. She leaned close to my lips and whispered against them, daring me to shy away.

"I'll let you fix, forgive, fuck- whatever you want to Potter if you promise not to convince Sirius to change the deal." My eyes darted to her tongue; it reeked with poison like an adders. I leaned forward to bite it harshly, to make her hurt, but she pulled back- I felt disgusted with myself. Reacting like this was a Sirius-type of a move; I was a pacifist. But they were instigators, holding my best friends captive. "Watch it, lycan!" I closed my eyes, trying to breath.

"I won't convince him." I said, finally. She tilted her head to regard me and I wanted to regard myself. Opening the door, I flew to Sirius' cell to glance at James. He was unconscious, the least of my worries. It looked as if half of his flesh on his right arm had been eaten off to expose the bone. A potion wound. It smelt like salty, burning, disaster. I covered my mouth with one of my hands and took the outstretched wand from Narcissa. I continued to stare at Prongs, pondering. I glanced at Sirius for advice. His back was facing Narcissa and without moving his head once, he mouthed perfectly readable words to me. In spilt seconds, he shot into action. Grabbing the wand from my tight hands, he stunned Cissa.

"Someone ought to have heard her fat body hit the ground. What can you do for James?" He asked. I thought quickly.

"Not much, he needs to see a real doctor. The most I can do is…give him a spell that'll allow him to feel no pain for an hour. Depending on where the fuck we are, that could be enough to get us a plan to break the fuck out of here." Sirius seemed to be counting after my words.

"It was just past dawn when they caught us. We had transformed back and were dragging you when we got ambushed, and it was still fairly dark. Couldn't be more then thirty minutes from Hogsmeade." I nodded.

"That's plenty." I revived James and he started to scream but Sirius, reacting quickly, shoved his hand in his mouth for him to bite into and be silent. I knew both of them were hurting, but it worked extremely well. "Voidious." I said. James had ceased biting down and Sirius withdrew his hand back wickedly fast. James sat up, staring at his leg in total wonder.

"What the-"

"Prongs, we've been made." He laughed, as I tore the sleeve from Sirius' shirt to make him a binding.

"You make it sound like we're about to be killed."

"We most likely are." I answered, softly. James' eyes flashed and he raised his wand arm and suddenly noticed his cavernous wounds.

"Holy shit!" He shouted. "Where's my wand?" I rolled my eyes, at the fact that he was more concerned with the missing stick then his missing flesh, but it wasn't the time to laugh at him.

"James- shh." I covered his mouth with my hand and leaned in closer to him and Sirius. "This is what we have to do. Prongs, since you're the most hurt, Sirius and I will cover you as far out as we can- you get to the woods and run like all mighty hell for the school and get help. Dumbledore. Make up a decent lie, not like last time-"

"Don't complain if you want to get out alive." He said, trying to make light of the situation. Sirius stood up and took his Narcissa's wand from her pocket before contemplating her lightly. As hard as he could, he drove his foot into her thin side.

"Bitch." He said, forcefully. James gave her one too.

For good measure, I broke her nose with the heel of my foot. Sirius looked at me, worriedly. James was inquisitive.

"What?" I asked, ashamed by the burning look from Sirius. "Let's just start getting out of here. I'm tired." I chastised. I didn't add to the fact that I was afraid we would probably never make it out.

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She cackled, like one of those old hag witches in muggle movies, and temper forgotten I reached out and clocked her a nice one right in the side of the jaw and there was a sickening crunch. She screamed in pain and of course, I brought the wrath of her lover boy down on to me, totally defenseless with no wand. I fell to the ground under the Cruciatus curse and writhed in pain. When it was lifted, I placed a hand on the lower half of my chest but stood up as fast as I could and barked out a command at them.

"Tell me where you took Sirius to."

"What makes you think Sirius is the one in danger, and not yourself?" All they could do was laugh. I prayed for an instant that I had the agility enough to kill her. Instead, I ended up with my arm around her throat and I placed her in between Lucius and myself. She whimpered. I felt ashamed, but it was what had to be done. There were evil; they weren't humans. Why should I care if I cause them pain? What I was doing, putting them in this position, was the lowest blow of all, but then again- they had done it to Sirius and for that, I couldn't begin to forgive. "Give me my wand or I snap her neck. And don't act like I couldn't do it." I spit out at him. He stared, stunned, and I think he half considered not giving me the wand. I would've taken no time. Same with Sirius. We would never risk each other's lives. Lucius handed over and I held Narcissa out in front of me for a few minutes, planning my best exit. I shoved her into him as hard as I could, then tore down the hallway and through the first door I saw. 5 Death Eaters, in a circle around Sirius who was holding his own. He caught the edge of a stinging hex and I saw it burn but he didn't stop, ever. I took out two Death Eaters from behind who hadn't noticed me with lucky stunning hexes, but then the battle really started going. And not to mention the fact that Sirius had just gotten hit with a stunning spell. Oh fucking Merlin, help us. I slid across the room on my knees and at the same time shot a reviving spell towards him, narrowly avoiding one of the three unforgivables. He cracked his eyes open, remembered we were in the midst of a fight and stood up. Only two left; instantaneously, we took them both out- Sirius using the ever trustworthy stupefy, me clonking them in the head with a piece of the walling.

"If James made it to the castle, he should be back in fifteen minutes. Think we could survive that long?" I asked Sirius. He bit his lip.

"We've got to." He answered me back. I nodded in agreement. The doorknob jiggled and I glanced at Sirius before we tore out to the one on the other side, into another hallway.

"Pick a door!" I shouted. He grinned.

"Behind door number three is-" he had screamed loudly, using his joking tone. He peaked into this door, turned back and then he guided me into door two instead. We watched as Narcissa and Lucius went into three and down a second hallway, starting to open different doors. Ingenious. I glanced around the room we were in and then found myself starting to shake just a bit, reached out and turned Sirius properly around to face what I was staring at.

"Holy mother of fucking shit." I swore. I took a note in case there was a next time.

Let me pick the rooms.

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James had gathered up full speed until he saw the steps of Hogwarts, bathed in the fresh light of the early morning- breakfast had to just finish. He distransfigured into himself and did not bother to check his clothes. When he walked in he shoved his way through the throngs of kids. And no one besides him seemed to be able to ignore the condition of his arm. Finally getting annoyed, he barked loudly.

"I'm head boy! Get out of the way, I have to speak to professor Dumbledore! NOW!" They flew away from his area, all to one side of the staircase as he barreled up. He stopped at the gargoyle outside the professor's office and shouted as many sweets as he could. Not bothering to remark on how strange it was that he password was 'candy fags' he flew into the office without knocking on the door. Strangely enough, Albus was perched at his desk, simply staring off into space.

"Mr. Potter, I thought you were going home for the holidays, I had no idea you were-"

"Professor, please. I need your help now. I can explain on the way. Sirius and Remus are in trouble." He didn't ask; he believed James wholeheartedly and then together they swept from his office to the grounds. He was surprised by the agility in which Dumbledore could run- James was almost out of breath; however he had barely stopped moving yet. As they were entering the forest, James remembered he had to explain what was going on. He couldn't stop to breath. "Sirius and I went to check on Remus when we knew his transformation was complete and walked into a trap. Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy attacked us and we were moved to an underground dungeon, hidden underneath the Hog's Head."

"The Hog's Head?" He asked, incredulously. James nodded before continuing, noticing the uneasiness written in his eyes.

"Yes. Well, they offered Sirius a deal. His service to Voldemort for a potion that'll stop Remus' transformations…forever."

"Did he take it?" Dumbledore asked, sharply. James didn't answer. "James, listen to me. I can handle it from here; get back to the school and tell Madam Pomfrey to be expecting two more students besides yourself and then warn Professor McGonagall to make sure the rest of the students are safe. Tell her to follow protocol three."

"What's protocol three?" He asked, inquisitively. Then suddenly, his leg gave a slight twinge. The spell…it was slowly winding off.

"Make haste." Dumbledore said. He gave James a confident look before apparating. James grumbled, mostly to try and make himself less worried for his best friends.

"Could've saved you a lot of time if I told you to do that sooner."

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Sirius looked mildly surprised, but not scared. My heart was beating faster, but Sirius found the nerve to smile. A Gryffindor forever.

"Voldemort. At last, I meet the man who has my whole family whipped like a dog." His eyes seemed to search through Sirius' mind, with not a single ounce of privacy.

"You'd know everything about dogs, wouldn't you?" Sirius didn't seem very impressed but I knew he was scared now. "Yes, I daresay I'll be adding another member of the Blacks to MY family soon enough."

"In case my dear cousin and he oldest lover haven't informed you, I never gave an answer. I don't trust you as long as you have to make other people do your dirty work."

"My dear boy, what would make you think I'd waste my precious time on you?" Voldemort quipped, grinning. "Gratifying though it is to say that I can read your thoughts; and you'd do anything in the world to save your boyfriend." Sirius, in this moment in which he faced death, took out another cigarette.

I loved/hated those fucking things.

"You're god damn right I would, Tom-" suddenly as Sirius took his first drag he was then on the ground, twisted horrendously and though not screaming he was sweating in pain, face contorted into a horrid position.

"HOW DARE YOU?!" He asked. As if his temper never flared; he lifted the curse. Sirius could barely stand on his own. I picked up his cigarette and held it, taking a drag for myself. He looked at me sorely but not weakly and continued.

"Sorry Voldymelts." Another Crucio curse. Another drag. I passed it to him. I couldn't let him do this alone.

"Moldeworts." I countered. I tasted Voldemort's curse; Sirius tasted curls of smoke.

"You-Know-Poo." As Sirius bathed in his sweat, I bathed in the scent of nicotine and tasted Sirius' saliva on the butt of his fag. Faggot. I couldn't care less anymore.

"Tom Marvolo Riddle." Glancing between the two of us, we were clueless as to who had said what. Our answer came from Voldemort himself.

"Albus Dumbledore." Smiling as if we had won for now, Sirius started to mock the situation.

"Sirius Tristan Black." He took a drag to himself.

"Remus John Lupin." I took a drag to me.

"Get out." Dumbledore said simply, not rudely or babyingly; quite approvingly, actually. As if he was surprised to see us so well. I made to comment on the other Death Eaters, but he already suspected my question. "They're taken care of by the Order. Go."

"The Order?" Sirius questioned as I dragged him out.

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We emerge into a bath of light, and the first thing I notice is the snow has melted away and the sun is beating down on my face harder and sharper then the Death Eaters.

"I hate the day." Sirius lamented to me as we walked hastily to Hogwarts to check on James and ourselves. I kept a steady hand on Sirius' shoulder to help with his bleeding, and m fingers felt sticky and warm. He swayed a bit and pulled away from me to collapse against a weeping willow. "Fuck, Moony." He was panting as hurriedly as Padfoot would. "I didn't want to bother you but…I can't walk…" He admitted. I rolled up his jeans, precautiously.

He had broken his leg somewhere in between that large, huge, calamity. I growled, furious he had walked on it for so long to begin with, and then binded it together. He looked thoughtful.

"That spell might come handy later on in life." He muttered. I whispered him the incantation. He grinned and I softened my expression. He looked grumpy now. "Are you my boyfriend or my mother?"

My eyebrows shot way up.

"Neither, the last time that I checked." I answered, nonchalantly. He looked irritated. He stood back up gingerly and then continued to walk, slowly. I kept the same pace as him, though he was annoyed with me. When we reached the Shrieking Shack, he asked for another reprieve of walking. I agreed and we went inside. He sat down on the bed and I sat in the corner by the window, gazing out into the daylight. I enjoyed the morning.

I thought, _he may tire of me now as our December sun is setting, because I'm not who I used to be_. I grabbed the closest book to me from the ground and read.

"Are you going to be my boyfriend?" He asked me, finally. I closed my book and looked at him, basking in the shade of the room as I enjoyed my little sunbeams. I sighed.

"Athos, Porthos, and Aramis." I answered. Sirius looked mildly surprised at me, a rare occurrence.

"You keep amazing me today. You're not yourself, talking irrationally, threatening women- maybe…maybe you're scaring me." He stated. I gave him a regretful smile.

"James is Porthos, arrogant but likable, a bit materialistic of a being, likes all women but loves only one. Talkative, loyal as all hell, and brave." I summed up. Sirius nodded in agreement, looking harsh.

"What does this have to do with-"

"And you; you're Athos. You'd rather die then ask for help. You're so handsome, you're intelligent and kind. Impatient. You love life, love all your friends, left a life of standing to be who you want to be- a good man. You…" I faltered. I threw the book I had, 'The Three Musketeers' at him, angrily and lovingly at the same time. He caught it and stared for a few seconds. "You're infuriating! You lecture Aramis-"

"You mean you?" Sirius asked, harshly. "I'll admit, you fit Aramis well." He threw the book back in my lap, a few pages torn out. "Kind and gentle, until set off into ill-temperedness. You're a bloody genius, rational, serious, the most unsociable Marauder-"

"Musketeer-" I corrected, feeling personally attacked as I had just done to him before. Lectured as harshly as I did to him.

"That's what I said, in the history and most of all, god forbid anyone think you have a love life and-"

"I stick to my beliefs!" I interrupted, frantically. He scoffed.

"Oh yes, your beliefs. Everything's a sin, everything isn't worth fighting for-"

"You're WRONG." I amended, defending myself more then the character. "He fights for the king, his loyalty to his country, his blood-"

"Only because his friends make him. He'd rather hide behind theology, BOOKS, and Spanish Wine!"

"Let me remind you, Athos…" I said, vehemently but still poised enough. Contained, just like Aramis. "That he saves lives."

"Saves lives of those he claims to love, but let's no one close and loves no one truly."

"You mean no women, for he loves his friends."

"Ah, there's another similarity. He does not love women, the same as you." He broke away from me. "How'd we even get into this? What does this have to do with anything."

"Athos, Porthos, and Aramis were the greatest of friends! Like brothers."

"Brothers?" Sirius questioned, cynically. "That's what you regard me as?" I couldn't look him in the eye, but I took his palm and handed him the other half of his present to me.

Romulus. He took it, graciously yet disapprovingly, but said no more. He fastened it on with more detestation then I found necessary.

"As you wish, _Aramis_. You're the god-in-training." He turned from me and gestured that he could walk. "It's your decision, I will not make it for you. But I hope, my brother, that you'll one day become as true to yourself as D'artanagn. For now, remain a coward, but I will not." To be true to his word, he pressed on.

I denied him, as he knew I would and it hurt as much as I knew it would.


	7. Bittersweet Symphony

**Chapter Seven -**

"**Bittersweet Symphony" - The Verve**

**(Time reference- The **_italic_** section is a flashback to right after chapter 6. The _bold italic _is a flash ahead to the next chapter.)**

In the early spring breeze the blades of grass, the water on the lake, and the branches of my favorite reading tree, the Marauder weeping willow rippled- and the pages of my book turned furiously, trying to escape my mad eyes. Reading was my only paradise lately- everything else came crashing down on me. As I hunted my chapter I looked up at a figure walking into the sunlight and approaching me under my semi-shade, the perfect lighting to interpret ideas within my novels, and felt the air around me tighten.

My own little ball of sunshine. Joy. Note the sarcasm.

"Remus." She sat down, leaned across my lap and gave me a soft, fleeting, but demanding kiss. I furrowed my brow seconds before our lips met, but hid it before Cassandra saw. I coughed to hide my dissatisfaction in her finding me.

"Who told you where I was?" I felt compromised even before I heard her answer.

"Sirius." Of course; sometimes I thought he should've been a seeker instead of a beater since he likes the snitch so much. I swallowed my bitterness at Sirius though, for my sake and partially Cassandra's. She took my hand and all possibility of finishing 'The Man in the Iron Mask' vanished like my sunshine.

I loved the day, I really did; but with her around it was always sunny and bright-

I began to miss my little rain cloud. Don't worry about him, he's getting along fine. It's Sirius, and he can get through everything. And he will simply live forever. I find telling myself this makes me feel better but James, Lily, Peter, even Cassandra, and I can't ignore the face he makes when he thinks we're absorbed in our own worlds.

Let's just say it's as solid and cold and unfeeling as an iron mask.

"Why are you hiding all the way out here, anyway Remy?" Remy. So bubbly, precious sounding. I get nauseas every time she begins to utter the nickname- in a sense I'm glad she doesn't call me Remus because it's too intimate for her to understand, but at the same time, Remy makes me remember our situation, which is no picnic either, I can assure you. Cassandra Potter is no picnic.

I keep telling myself, do it for Dumbledore, for Dumbledore, but after a few seconds with her, you know there's nothing for me to do. She's as predictable as bazooka gum, which she's always chewing, and she's a dumb as Peter intoxicated, which is terrible. So either Dumbledore's lost his marbles like everyone accuses him of doing, or I'm missing a huge, huge piece of information. And since I'm not about to admit Dumbledore's insanity, I guess I'm missing something. I'll find it some day, when my lips don't taste like recycled bubblegum.

The Order sure did mean sacrificing. But I hardly knew the meaning yet.

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_I lied in the hospital wing, feeling rather sickened at myself for doing what I had did, denying myself more then denying Sirius. And the potion Mademoiselle Pompoms gave me didn't help the feeling go away either. I felt like dying and I very nearly prayed I did. I tried to roll onto my back, but my side roared instantly and I gasped. The nurse walked to my bedside again as I realized I was coughing up blood- I could feel the warmth rising through my throat and out my mouth she 'tsked' as if this was a usual occurrence._

"_Internal bleeding. You'll have to drink a blood potion every hour until it heals itself." She poured me a flask that gurgled like a dead baby in a-that was unpleasant enough, thank you. I drank it down rapidly to avoid the putrid taste and I heard her round on Sirius next._

"_Broken ribs, broken tibia, broken heart, nearly collapsed windpipe-"_

"_Miss Pompoms, how could you even accuse me of a broken heart when you're around to pick up my pieces?" I swear I saw the young nurse blush through the white curtains._

_I upchucked the blood potion. Strolling over to clean up after my disgusting display, I heard her murmur an accurate description._

"_It's gurgling like a dead baby in a casserole." I couldn't hold back a weak chuckle. She glared at me and handed me another blood potion._

_I took it, hoping it was poison. But Remus Lupin's wishes never came true- they're his irrational side, so he never expected them too. I heard a groan from James' bed, which sounded like he made the mistake of laughing. Mademoiselle Pompoms said the cures she had to apply to him made the spell I used cancel out, but personally I thought she just enjoyed torturing poor Prongs, especially after the last full moon where she had to waste a wankload of potions on him._

"_What's 18 inches long, stiff, and makes women scream at night?" I braced myself for the conclusion._

"_I believe the punch line of the joke, Mr. Potter, is 'cradle death'." Professor Dumbledore answered as he strolled into the infirmary. I let a painful gusto of laughter out strangely, and so did Sirius. "Thank you, Winnie, for your diligent care of these fine young men, but I request a private audience with them, if you don't mind."_

"_Not at all, sir." She answered, shaking her head timidly. "As long as it's not longer then an hour, because Mr. Lupin has to take another blood potion then." I shuttered, but Dumbledore assured her it would take half that time. She left the room and for good measure, Dumbledore cast a silencing charm around us. He curved his upper body in a bow at us and I immediately felt flush with pride and embarrassment- for getting us all into that situation in the first place but kicking the shit out of some Death Eaters in the return._

"_Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin, and Mr. Black-" he took a deep breath and with his regular bright eyes began a grave discussion "I commend you on your skills during the crisis beforehand, but I must express my despair on the attack that had fallen on you." He sat down on the edge of Sirius' bed, which was in the middle of James and I-the curtains blew back so we could all see each other again. "I know you do not necessarily need my protection, and though it would be a lie to say by offering you this that is not what I'm trying to do- but there is more to the Order of the Phoenix then that. In fact, you may be in more danger then you are in now."_

"_The Order, sir?" I questioned smally. He beamed._

"_Well…not that I fancy myself to be Voldemort, but it's like his Death Eaters- a group of people united in bringing down the Death Eaters. A counter-terrorist organization, if you please." The Three Musketeers (of the Marauders) nodded. "Of course, it requires missions as well, but I believe it is for the greater good of wizards-"_

"_The greater good of man!" James interrupted. Dumbledore silently agreed._

"_Everyone, yes." He paused again. I feared he was regretting his decision but when he looked up I felt he couldn't possibly be regretting- only searching for words. "I want you three- and Mr. Pettigrew, of course and Miss Evans too, as she possesses the same admirable qualities as you all-"_

"_Hear, here!" James echoed._

"_Port-PRONGS!" Sirius and I both returned fire, nearly calling him something different then James or Prongs. I didn't miss the glance we shot each other, and neither did Albus. He seemed to be hiding something back- a smile or a frown, I'm not sure._

"_As I was saying…I would be honored if you all would fight beside me against Tom Riddle, as colleagues and friends." Even Sirius with a bruised windpipe was loud and assertive in his declaration of immediate loyalty to Dumbledore and the Order._

_Do it for Dumbledore. Do it for Sirius. Fuck, I may even do it for me._

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"Traitor." I hissed, sinking my teeth into the sweet flesh of the apple he tossed at me from a few meters away. If I was facing the blinding sun I would have been killed. He looked pleased at my dissatisfaction with Cassandra ruining my afternoon, but shamefully dissatisfied at himself.

"Coward." He called me. I groaned.

"Not this redundant conversation again, Sirius, I beg of you. Have you no pity for this situation?"

"The pity lies with me, my brother." He bit into his granny smith, too. I stole his sour, bitter one from his hands to take a bite of something as tart as his words. There were two unmistakenable canine marks in his food's green skin.

"As you wish." I volleyed back. (AN: **anyone ever watch 'The Princess Bride'**?)

"No, Remus- it's as you wished." He takes a bite from my apple and I can smell the sugary juice on his lips. He leans beside me to whisper in my ear. "It tastes like the sweetest sin, my friend. 'Sin!' says you, Aramis. But 'fate' says I." He pushed himself away from me to continue our afternoon "picnic", where we pick each others words apart and nick each other with twisting our words around. "So, how is the youngest Potter, anyhow?"

"Young." I answered, honestly. "Seriously, Padfoot. I don't even think she's had 'the talk' yet." He snorted at that one. I even cracked a small smile at myself, but it was halfhearted and mostly put there by his sign of humor at my words. It felt nicer then lashing at each other.

"With Arnold's sister as Cass' mother, she had 'the talk' in second year." His voice lacked wit and was more factual. How strange it was to have our roles reversed- me speaking with pleasantry and him speaking with reality. The next few seconds went like this. Apple. Tear, Chomp. Chew. Spit Remus' innards out. "Besides, she's coming so hard on you; she wants to loosen her insides up." He pondered, crudely. I burned from my cheeks to my fingers. "Surely figuratively, though you don't seem the type to want someone's cherry. You're more of a banana man." I closed my eyes, apathetically hurt. I didn't care if he knew that he hurt me- part of me probably wanted him to know, but I don't think I had to tell him. He said it for the soul purpose of breaking me.

"Why are you doing this to me?" I question, softly. "Is it not enough that I'm sorry? What do you want from me?" He handed me a seed from the core as a reply and made it expand in my hand into another apple, with a violently vibrant shade of green. The skin was blemish free- silky smooth. It was a beautiful display of transfiguration and of feeling. He nodded at me, and I understood to bite into the flesh. It snapped almost amiably, but the juice filled my mouth. Bitter. Of course it was bitter. I should've known better; something so beautiful but so wrong tasting- off balancing, but I was caught up in only one thing. I understood what he wanted from me, as my thoughts filled my mind, but he still told me in English what it was he yearned for.

"Regret." He wanted me to regret my decisions. It wasn't enough that I was just as hurt as him- he wanted me to regret it, too. In a sense, I already did regret my choices, but they were done. What could I do? Crawl back on my knees? I knew that's what he really wanted from me. But he wasn't going to receive that. I dropped the apple in his lap before pressing my lips hard against his; him bitter, me sweet. I tasted the sweetness on his lips but in my kiss was denial, as harsh as day. A bittersweet symphony playing between our hands as he grabbed mine. _I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down. You know the one that takes you to the places where all the things begin._ I pulled away from him rapidly, killing myself as I did; and I was winded and he was panting, but I still talked through my breathlessness.

"Now you have my regret, my regret that we couldn't end this in a way to not hurt either of us. I gave you everything I could, Sirius! Now- I ask for your pity that I have to do this." In the close presence rang a droning, high pitched giggle. Sirius, strangely, flinched in response.

"You have my pity…that you don't see the sweetness in me." He took my hand again and placed the perfect apple into it before departing faster then I could beg him to stop and work up the nerve to apologize. Cassandra joined me again, with more food of her own, but ended up eating the remains of what seemed like Eden's very same apples. She said it was the most luscious thing she had ever tasted. I took the last bite, teeth scraping the center, and realized-

It sure as hell was.

----------------------------------------

Cassandra was James' youngest cousin, a 4th year Hufflepuff whose own idyllic crush on me made her turn to the Death Eaters for support in helping to get me to eat out of the palm of her hand. Concerned for her safety, Dumbledore after hearing word about this, asked me to ask her out and see if she really is connected to the Death Eaters, and until I confirm that she will not wander over to evil, I'm stuck with her. It's such a meaningless, monotonous task- I expected excitement but received her. Dumbledore insists it's an important job, but so far, I'm at loss- though I am so far the only one in the Order who has been assigned a mission, though it wasn't as if I was Dumbledore's choice. I'm Cassandra's. I sat down at the table the next morning, after having skipped dinner last night to avoid my girlfriend, beside Peter and my heart sank into my stomach as Sirius walked in with someone attached to his lips like a permanent sticking charm.

Alyssa Fozzina. Her uncovered ass rubbed against my shoulder as they nearly toppled into the table. A few girls around us burst into sobs. Shocked by girls crying in his presence, Sirius broke off his kiss and let Alyssa sit in James' seat, who was missing from breakfast today along with Lily. He reached across the table for the syrup and glanced down.

"It's chocolate sauce!" He said, waving his hands, joyously. I narrowed my eyes as breakfast beamed up from the kitchen below. Chocolate chip pancakes. A lot had happened since the last time we had them. Almost too much, to the point where I found myself incapable of eating. I excused myself from the table then and exited, heading en route to the library.

Guess what stopped me from getting there. She emerged, with a different look then usual, from the Hufflepuff common room.

I ended up brushing her off as gently as I could, telling her I had to go to class early to speak to Professor Flitwick about something for NEWTS, and she gushed at the thought of having an older boyfriend, and I ended up being late for Charms. I walked in after Professor Flitwick had already assigned partners, but adamant that I would show up, no matter how late, he had paired me with Peter. Lazily, I performed the charm we were working on, to turn glass into gold, somewhat perfectly, if I don't say so myself. Rather bored, I crossed my arms and proceeded to try and sleep.

"Excuse me, Professor Flitwick, but I was wondering if I could take Miss Evans and Misters Potter, Black, and Lupin from class." Peter looked severely let down at his name being left out, and I had the decency to look apologetic as the four of us left Charms class in a rather quickened place. I didn't bother to ask until we were in Albus' office. He sat down, only to rise again in trepidation as we talked. He looked upset. "Mr. Lupin, I wish you could have been more honest with me when I asked you about your love life, even though I know it's not normally a field I want adults diving into with my students." I was crossed in confusion.

"Wha-what do you mean, Professor?" I questioned stupidly, as Sirius', James', and Lily's attention was immediately focused on me

"When I asked you if you were already in a relationship, Mr. Lupin." I stumbled over my words.

"But I wasn't already in a relationship, sir!" I found myself convincing myself more then him. He read into it to, and his troubled expression began to clear a bit, replaced by simple worry.

"But now you are?" I shook my head no, desolately, as I saw his blue orbs move slightly towards Sirius. Then he turned his full attention to him.

"Maybe I should disclose the full details of this dilemma. Miss Evans came to me this morning with a disturbing notion said by Cassandra Potter herself. A portrait in our school, who shall be nameless for the time being, mentioned to her he had seen two 'toiling knights' embracing each other in a way that was not 'brotherly', and told it was you, Remus. Then Cassandra also confided in Lily that she knew Sirius Black was after the same man as her." I jeered at myself. Who knew I could get in such girly situation. He looked at me a bit harshly then the usual Dumbledore but I didn't take it shamefully.

Too much.

"It's not like that at all, professor." I answered, as if they were magic, healing words- words I wanted to magically heal myself. There was a sigh.

"As of now, Remus, and until we figure out more about this ridiculous situation, I must ask you to avoid Mr. Black." We shared a look, and in between that look the last few months were reflected in his sharp, silver eyes and mine. He had never told me he loved me, and I had never promised him anything back.

His were hard, blazing and mine could barely stare into is. But it was what would be best, even according to Dumbledore. Was my personal happiness worth fighting Dumbledore's orders?

In a weak, hesitant voice, I agreed.

Sirius strode out of the room without glancing at me ever again, but somewhere deep inside of him, I could see the gentle Sirius, the mean Sirius, the hateful Sirius, the loving Sirius. But I loathed this indifferent, uncaring, empty Sirius that I was viewing now. The man in the iron mask. The broken twin.

So I followed through with my promise to one person; Dumbledore. And my orders got worse. Until eventually, a new day had come, the worst I had ever seen.

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_**I spit out my left canine tooth- something I didn't exactly relish but I probably needed it. She looked sorrowful.**_

"_**I'm so sorry, but you did this to yourself. I just want to know why you couldn't love me! I'm young, beautiful! Everything a guy should want! I threw myself at you and you just didn't want to touch me!" She proceeded to sob into my shoulders, as if she expected me to rub her back though my hands were chained to a wall.**_

"_**Cassandra- you're fucking insane." She laughed, wiped her eyeliner from her eyes and then pulled out my front tooth this time. I howled.**_

"_**I know. And you should have loved me for it."**_

**AN: Alrighty then. First off, I want to apologize for not having a note on the last chapter, but I deleted it by mistake! Thank you to all my readers and reviewers, it makes me smile to see your thoughts! As for people who requested the unedited chapter 4, I have to find a way to get it from one computer in my house to the other without email, so you'll get it eventually! This story actually does have direction to it- I plan on making it a bumpy ride but it'll be worth it in the end. Um, I'll actually have this story go until the 'the tragic Halloween', and then I have plans for a sequel if you guys aren't bored/hate me yet. Please don't kill me for Cassandra Potter- she'll play a big role later, but Remus won't be with a girl for too long , as you can tell by the end of this chapter. I am very disappointed in my portrayal of Dumbledore- it's hard to write someone so wise when you're as dumb as me so please forgive me if he's OCC from the books. I love you all!!! - Lena**


	8. Right Here

**Chapter 8-**

**"Right Here" - Staind**

Too say Sirius was angrier then he had been before was under-exaggerating. He was so livid he struck at me in anyway he could- starting with Alyssa.

He started giving her a nickname. Love. I could hardly remember her real name because all he could ever say was Love._ "Love, oh Love, that feels pleasant. Love, oh gods Love, do you have to be so rough-no! don't stop! Love, oh bite me, yeah that's the ticket I'm afraid and long white train has come oh GOD LOVE."_

You're telling me. I heard it every night, though occasionally he changed the train metaphor to a broomstick or something even more disturbing. The worst of it though came when he was trying to be romantic to her.

_"Love..."_ he had cried the night right before my latest werewolf transformation, when I was already feeling low. _"Love...you're so beautiful in the moonlight; look, it's almost a full moon. Love, I want to do this right- I want to stay with you until dawn and after the moon goes to sleep. I don't care if I spend all of tomorrow trying to stay awake- just the sight of you right now makes it worth it all."_

To say I didn't sleep either that night was also under-exaggerating. I didn't eat the next day, I didn't talk the next day; he didn't come to the Shrieking Shack that day, either.

The spring time madness had hit us; and the feeling of love spread like butterflies. And I hadn't seen a single one all month; but you could feel their presence.

On top of all this, Sirius had splurged on something for himself- or should I say, did something more selfish then normal. He bought himself a flying motorcycle. FLYING. I didn't understand how it wasn't illegal, considering the laws against bewitching muggle artifacts, but all I knew was it was the talk of the school. Sirius had hit the height of cool. Everyone talked about how amazing it would be to get a ride with him. I shook my head. If that's all they wanted from Sirius it was all they deserved.

_On the back of a motorbike with your arms outstretched trying to take flight, leaving everything behind; but even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete in the city where we still reside. And I've learned even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men, 'cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides like brothers on a hotel bed…_

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"I don't want to be without you." I found myself saying, as I kneeled down beside him and elevated his head so he wouldn't choke on his blood, spit, and teeth. He coughed again and I pushed him so he was lying on his side, facing me.

It seems my life is repetitious and yet surprising to me, at the same time. I've been here before but yet- I've never had to face something like this before, losing someone I love, for real.

"You have too." He said, reaching up to push the soft blonde locks of hair from my eyes, as I fought not to cry. I couldn't help it. I took up his hand, and he looked at me, begging for forgiveness as if I was a priest. "Remus, forgive me for doing it. I loved you." He said, harshly as he sputtered. I nodded at him, breaking my dams behind my eyes and in my mind. I started to cry and could only nod. "Remus, you've got to forgive yourself, too. It isn't your fault I'm laying here. It was my choice. Everything I ever did in life or anything that ever happened to me was because of my choices. Remember that. Cowards die a thousand deaths, but the valiant die but one."

"Julius Caesar." He grinned softly and I kissed his forehead, hating myself for just letting him go. But there was not a single thing that could save him. "I love you, too." He squeezed my hand so tight I couldn't breath- and I knew then it robbed him of all his strength.

And so passed my father, John Lupin. I screamed for help long afterwards, not for medical attention but for someone to guide me, like he did in his last few hours. But there was no one to respond. And there was nothing I could do but pick myself up and tell myself to apparate back to my house. But I couldn't do it- I didn't have an inch of focus left in me.

Focus, Remus John, I tried to tell myself. But my eyes were locked on my dad's. I ruffled through my pockets, still crying, to find two coins- any monetary denomination would do- but I was poor and nothing remained.

"Remus!" The voice called out, frantically. "Remus!" I was still paralyzed on the ground, wishing for everything- to have had a better home life, to have been more comfortable, to have not blamed him for so much, but most of all-I wished my mother hadn't killed him. "Remus, let's go- I've been calling for you for ten minutes! James' dad- Arnie. He's dead." I whipped around silently to face Sirius, drying my eyes on my sleeves. I reached a hand out to him and he went to heave me up but I shook my head and retracted back.

"No...Sirius, I need two knuts." He looked scathing, like he was disgusted- but he reached into his robes and handed me two galleons, miraculously. It was a miracle he hadn't lost them during the calamity.

"All I have." I nodded, and placed the coins over my father's eyes, wishing that I knew a prayer to say. I knew if there was a heaven and a God that my father probably wouldn't be welcomed in with open arms, so with nothing to say and all the regret in the world, I rose from beside his final resting place, and stood across from Sirius. "Who is that guy?" I moved in front of him, following his footsteps in the mud, wand out and sprinting into the moonlight. He caught up with me, and with deep breaths that I thought hid my emotions almost as much as I wanted them to, I spoke again.

"Just a man." I answered, slowing down my run as we approached the threshold of the Potter house. "A man named John Lupin."

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I want to give my father something he never had; a son, so I'll begin right from the beginning where he had one, then the son he had didn't want him, and now he wanted him back more then ever.

I didn't have the best family life, by any means. My parents were young when they got married- my father didn't have time to really be a 'man' and my mother didn't know how to be a mother. I like to believe when they first got married they loved each other- or at least, I pray that they did. I was only six when I had become a werewolf.

My dad, only twenty-eight at the time and still so young, was addicted to the dice. He gambled everything and with anyone. My mother had started her own business back then, at only twenty-six. She ran lodging in London, down in the old warehouse area where mostly the magical crowd could come and stay and be unbothered by the muggles. They made decent money, until my father gambled it away. Out of all the things I've watched my parents argue about, the story of my turning has remained the same from both of them- it makes me wonder sometimes then if they can still love each other despite the events that occurred this night, and every night afterwards.

My mother, angry that my father made careless bets with people all over the city, finally said to him if he was going to waste their hard earned money, at least do it in her pub/inn with _her_ customers, so in some way it may actually come back to the family. My father decided it was a fair compromise, and that's how it started on that Christmas Eve.

John Lupin was up a couple galleons that night, and he was in a gloating mood. My mom slapped down another pint in front of him, and as he drank it, in walked a pack of strangers. A pack was the correct word for them.

The leader sat down in front of my father, and grinned horribly, as so described. My mother says it was almost as if he had spotted a wild turkey. My father says it was almost as if he planned on hurting the thing that would weaken him the most. To his day- I wonder what that was. John Lupin's pride, John Lupin's family, or John Lupin himself.

"How lucky are you?" The stranger asked, before demanding a double scotch. He handed my father dice and he rolled. The stranger took the drink from my mother's hands before she had time to even ask if he wanted a room. "Looks like you're not lucky enough; you're buying my first drink of the night."

My mother's eyes had narrowed. "Do you need a ro-"

"Don't think so." He burped and his pack laughed. "We like to roam during the night." He answered. "I will take another double though."

"Are you going to pay for this one?" She walked away to fix the man a drink. When she left, the stranger leaned across the table to whisper to my father. "Now that that bitch is gone, what's say you and I do some real gambling?"

"That bitch is my wife." My father answered. The pack of men laughed; by now they had dispensed themselves into seats around the table, waiting for some type of action. The stranger took off his sunglasses and revealed the darkest, golden eyes my father had ever seen, he said. 'Like pioneers striking gold' he'd compare. Though they were a rich color, my father said the man himself was pale and lacked color, and something about the way he smiled made my parents uneasy.

"Sorry, sir. What say you?" He replied.

"I'm game." My father answered. My mother came back, placed the scotch down, and then pulled my father from the table, angrily and into the back room.

I was there, sitting on the floor playing with Lincoln logs, trying to think of the most efficient way to build a house. When my mother stepped in, wearing her pointy red 'work' shoes, she scattered my whole project. She pushed them farther aside, her way of telling me to move.

"Use the trick dice. I want that man and his friends out."

"Debra- it's the business. We handle sketchy characters all the time." My dad replied. My mom stamped her foot in fury, cracking one of my logs in half and narrowly missing my fingers. I pushed myself farther away from them and into the corner, to eavesdrop, interested even at such a young age.

"No John! I handle them all the time!" She said. "I deal with them my way- and now I'm asking for an alternative!" She took his hand and pressed the dice into his hands, anxiously. "There's something I know is sincerely wrong with this man." She then suddenly bent down and swooped me into her arms, though I was a tall boy for my age. "And I'm scared." She answered herself.

"Okay." My father said finally. My mother set me down without a word, and that was it. They went out into the pub and I tried to devise a new plan to build a house. Be like my mother. Use what I knew worked and improved on that already…

"Okay." My father said again, to a new person. The stranger nodded at him as he had found his way back to the table.

"Okay."

Not okay. A few seconds later, the stranger picked up my father by his collar, and in a very old fashioned, threatening way screamed into his face, turning flush now from his anger.

"You try to cheat me, do you?!" He threw my father back down and rose into a towering stance, as if he was inflating from the feet up. My mother burst out from the bar, screaming her head off, and I came running out, not so much terrified as interested. The stranger turned to my mother and with a firm smack across her face knocked her to the ground. "And I suppose this was your idea? Don't like our business then?!" She groaned and from the floor I saw her shoo me away and I made to move but the stranger stepped in front of me- something about his eyes, not the color, not the size- but the desire in them. In that second he wanted me, I don't know how, but the strange man with the grey matted hair really liked his children. "What- the whole family in on it too?!" He said, reaching a surprisingly gently hand towards me.

"No, Remus, don't!" She shouted.

"Remus?" He had the most unusual, sickening bark of a laugh. "How ironic." was the reply. He let go of me and in silence his pack left the room into the streets, pulling their hoods up as they stepped into the snow.

"We'll be back!" One of them shouted.

"SHUT UP!" roared the stranger. He turned to face my father and mother before he followed them down the street. He left his hood down and the snow stuck in his hair, and some how it brought out the rage in his eyes. "Greyback. Remember my name, and the promise I'm making you right now- it's not over."

It wasn't. I don't want to go into what happened the next night; it's a whole different story for a whole other day. It was more about me then my father, really.

I told all of this to Lily tonight, as we sat together in the Potter's basement as Sirius and James sat on the couch, fast asleep though they both wanted to stay up and wait for Minnie. Lily and I could only imagine how drained they were and for their sake, we spoke in as hushed voices as we could.

"You said early you wish your mother didn't kill your father. What do you mean- what else happened tonight, Remus?" I have a dramatically ironic laugh.

"You say it as if what did happen wasn't enough." I stated, shrugging. "But I mean what I say Lily. My mom had a way of dealing with things; by making deals. She was promised something good in return tonight and she did it- got what she needed. She's a rich woman again, Lily- and turning her small pub into a dark bar only means more green…and silver. Not in the Slytherin way." I added, unceremoniously. "It means she doesn't have to depend on anyone ever again."

"That's stupid." Lily says, flatly. "Technically she has to depend on them!" She replied, shaking her head angrily.

"I know but…it's different, apparently, at least to her. But I…" for the first time the entire night, I started to choke up. I buried my face in my hands and Lily, sitting there, didn't move. I barely heard her breathing to begin with. "I don't see her reasoning either."

"Don't look for a reasoning then." She said softly. I nodded in the dark, and then above us, I heard the door slam. I jerked up, and rose, walking over to James and Sirius, shaking James first. He didn't even ask, only woke up and started up the stairs to his mother.

I went to wake Sirius and found him shedding tears, quietly. He didn't seem ashamed, either. I nodded at him, and then sat back down in my corner chair, far hidden in the dark. I felt very out of place at James' that night- with the family tragedy and with my self. I hated how different everything seemed to me, lately.

"Let's get out of here." Sirius said, simply- sitting up and glancing around at Lily. She shook her head, as if saying those silly boys, and snuck upstairs to be with James. My eyes connected with Sirius. "I'm serious."

"I know." I replied back. "Where would we go?"

"Anywhere. It doesn't matter, does it? I'd hate to think there are stipulations to where we can go at midnight, especially when the sky is ours."

"The sky?" I questioned. He took out his keys and magically conjured up two helmets from the air. He tossed me one and I fumbled it uncoordinatedly.

"It's the limit." He answered. I nodded in agreement and followed him out the back door and into the street. He climbed on, kick started it, and adjusted his helmet. I wrung my hands. He raised an eyebrow at me, inquisitively, and then shook his head before stopping the engine and approaching me. "So wise but so naïve. What else haven't you done before?" He asked, semi-rhetorically. He demonstrated swinging his leg over the bike. I did the same and he sat in front of me, leaning forward to grip the handle bars. I had no idea where to place my sweaty hands. "Don't be shy, Remus. Use the beltloops." He said, finally, before he started again.

"Easy for you to say, Love." I snapped back. He made no answer. I laced my fingers through his loops and sighed deeply. "Just do it."

"Don't close you eyes." He said, tenderly before driving slowly down the street. I automatically shut them. "I'm going to pick it up a bit so we can get in the air; from there it's just like a broomride, Remus, with funny engine noises." I said nothing. He did as he said and I locked my eyes tighter. I felt as if I was sliding off, tumbling back into the chaotic world as I knew it. Finally when we reached the speed to ascend into the air, I went from holding the back of Sirius' pants to reaching around front in fear. He shouted with laughter.

I didn't scream, but I didn't blink, either. I was so opposed to opening my eyes that I was starting to get a headache from the pressure. After a few minutes in the air, he declared he found someplace he wanted to stop. "Do you mind?" I shook my head no frantically and he made a much less steeper decline to the ground.

"Where are we?" I asked him, noticing the very upper-class urban setting.

"No where." He replied, casually, but it was too throw away to be Sirius. He drove slowly down the street (thank god) and we paused in front of an elaborate house squashed in between two fairly modern abodes. This one, though, was almost a mansion. Sirius stared at it for a long time. "How much do you think a house like that goes for?" He asked, strangely.

"I don't know…probably a hundred thousand galleons. Why?" I asked, suddenly. "Thinking about buying it?"

"Hardly." He replied. He bowed at it, like calling a truce with an inanimate object, and then nodded at the bar down the street. "A drink, I think." He said, finally.

"Nothing that nice on the outside can be perfect within. It just doesn't happen like that."

"Oh trust me-" he answered "I know."

**AN:** _Thank you SO much to my reviewers! I really do love to hear what you have to say and it makes me smile to think that someone out there actually reads the stuff I write instead of attempting to pass my classes! - love, Lena_


	9. Breath

**Chapter Nine - **

"**Breath" - Breaking Benjamin**

_**AUTHOR'S LARGE NOTE-**_** THIS IS A GRAPHIC CHAPTER! AND BY GRAPHIC, WE'LL SAY THIS MAKES UP FOR THE UNEDITED VERSION OF CHAPTER FOUR! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SKIP IT IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE READING SEXUALLY GRAPHIC MATERIAL. With love, Lena**

James was crying. James was crying and I was lost, standing there like a statue. James stopped crying. James stopped crying and I was still standing like a monument. He glanced at Sirius, Peter, and I, all of who stood there with pensive gazes focused on him. James sighed.

"I'm done." He said, wiping his eyes until he started to turn red from the friction. "I'm done, I'm done. Let's go." He stated, before giving any of us anytime to ask if he was okay. I knew he wasn't- but I knew I didn't want to ask. He didn't want me to. Sirius left my side to walk beside James. Looking at the connection between them made me smile. Sometimes I compared my relationship with Sirius to his with James. With Sirius, all he had to do was walk beside James and some how that was enough for them. The look of gratitude James had given Sirius was enough for them; they didn't need the words I did. They didn't need the type of communication I did.

I envied James so much in that aspect. To be able to be so close with Sirius and not desire what I did. I respected that relationship so much. Lily entered the room after being with Minnie and bolted straight for James' other side, taking up his hand. That's what I would've needed from Sirius. Unsure of where to go or what to do, I placed a hand on James' shoulder from behind, and then moved beside Sirius.

Arnold was the closest thing Sirius had ever had to a father, and I knew that while James' grief was deeper, Sirius had to deal with his own while supporting a best mate. That was rough. I could do nothing but stare into his eyes, that seemed to pour his hate for whoever did this and his misery- not James' misery or Minnie's but his- into me. So I could hold it for me. He nodded at me before turning back around. James opened the door.

The services began.

The services ended.

I thought about my father, and how there would be no services, ever. Maybe a tomb given by the ministry upon identification at the most would be provided. We gathered back at the Potter residence, the reception empty of that thunderous laughter, empty of its former master.

The new master was James. The only man left in the house. Had we finally grown up so roughly? We were all of age before this, but as the old saying goes; a boy becomes a man three years after he thinks he does, but years before his parents think he is. I thought James had been a man since before I could remember him being a boy. But with me, I hardly think I've become a man. I'm not a boy- but I don't have a depth to me, the serendipity and the humility, the pain a man like James has. And Sirius.

I was just a guy; a guy who had to drain his lizard. I left the reception to wander into the tomblike upstairs of the house. The bedrooms, the library, and the private bathroom were away from the entire ruckus downstairs, the laughter and crying. There were so many emotions down there that I thanked god I wasn't empathic. I couldn't handle the mix. It'd be worse than alcohol for my stomach.

After leaving the bathroom, I heard furious screams. Smashing. I wasn't as concerned as I was sympathetic. I knew whoever it was had no intention to hurt anyone. Only to deal. I turned into the spare bedroom to see Sirius on his knees in front of the dresser. His knuckles were torn, bleeding. His eyes were screaming and groaning worse than his vocal chords. He looked at me. I shut the door and leaned against it, silently. He stood and shot his hands out to tug on my loose suit.

"Please." He said, whispering, but his eyes were still shrieking, shattering my resolve- my wits. I nodded.

It was a race. He went for my tie. I went for the buttons on his jacket. He couldn't wait for my clumsy, desperate fingers that long. He yanked on my tattered tie hard enough to bring my lips crashing on his. There was no delicacy between us, which made it all the more delicate. We didn't put up boundaries this time, and that was something that meant trust to me, and trust was delicate. I slid my hands across his back to take off his belt. It was almost an agreement. I did him, he did me. Eye for eye, tooth for tooth. He fumbled, moved my hands away from his pants, and pushed me harder against the door, undoing my undershirt. I stood there, looking for something to hold onto. I opted for his shoulders. I could tell just by the aspiration in his eyes, he needed me to be there. But he needed to be him. He needed the control. I gave it to him, with reins and all.

His hands shot out for the buckle on the belt I was wearing, then for the zipper, and then it seemed order didn't wait. He pulled down my pants.

I stood there, completely naked. He looked merely disheveled. I thought about it though. My eyes weren't that blazing. I wanted him, more then anything, but I wasn't burning. I was cooling. The healing after the hurting. He slipped his hand around me and I gasped. His grip was too tight and too loose at the same time. He was getting me off to fast, but it was still to slow. I rested my head against the door, trying not to die. Trying not to scream, but made it harder and harder as it went. When I made no sounds he held tighter and I realized, sound was what he needed. A reaction was what he needed.

"Stop holding back." He whispered in my ear. And I understood. If I held back, he had to hold back. He needed to be himself, completely. I nodded and then let out a rough groan.

"Fucking Merlin, Sirius…" I sighed, as he didn't let up. He was killing me. I started to feel my knees give out and then I was glad as he pushed against me harder, closer to the door so I couldn't slide. I was about to meet my end in his hands.

Until he stopped. The world seemed to stop, as I couldn't get a handle on my breathing. All motion just stopped. I moaned, head still thrown back against the wall...I was beyond aroused. I needed a finish, somehow, some way. I felt my hands twitch towards myself. I was ashamed by the ache I felt, but I was pained by it at the same time. I opened my eyes to see Sirius staring at me. He laced his hands with mine, placidly.

"Jesus Christ Moony- you're startling." I groaned, as he kissed my neck, his own erection now pressed against mine. I still throbbed. His lips left my neck and then seconds later I felt them somewhere else. I started to throb again and couldn't keep from saying his name as he engulfed me in his mouth, his swollen lips burning my skin.

"Padfoot, please." He tortured me, which is what I knew he needed to do. But I couldn't take it. I was beyond hot and bothered, beyond aroused. Beyond desired. I was at a point in life I believed most people would call the end. I would've done anything to have him bring me to relief. But that itself would be torture, too. Would he done with me then? "Sirius, you're…you're really, really killing me."

"You're killing me too." He said, a brief removal of his lips from my strain. But for some reason, he gave in to my request and instead of just gliding, he sucked. It was explosive, and I had. I looked down for a few moments afterwards and saw he had swallowed my release. He glanced at me, pulling himself up by my forearms. I saw myself on his lips. I saw myself in his eyes. I was so, so nervous. I didn't know what to say or ask. I leaned in closer, captured his bottom lip in mine, before slipping my tongue into his mouth.

I tasted me. I wanted to shutter away, but I tasted him. Cinnamon. And that was enough to keep me there.

"You're killing me." He whispered. I kept kissing him; I couldn't stop.

"I love you." I said, not caring. He said nothing as I slipped my hands into his hair. He kissed me back, easing up my pressure against the wall. His lips seemed to bless mine. His mouth seemed to be praying to me. He pulled away to bend down and hand me my boxers. I stepped into them. He kissed my neck as I tied them. He trailed kisses down my stomach and groped around the ground before he found my trousers. He handed those to me next, and I pulled those on, too. He pulled away and helped me back into my shirt, the jacket. Last- the tie. He did the knot and pulled it up against my neck, up to wear he had mostly been laying kisses. He gave it one more for good luck.

"I love you too." He said, simply. There was a moment of silence before I realized he wanted to leave this room. "Let's go brush our teeth." He said.

Right before he opened the door, all I could think of was: It takes an amazing friend to stand next to someone like me, a werewolf, _a pouf, a naïve sexual being, Aramis_ -and spit cinnamon scented toothpaste into a sink. It took an act of love. And I finally had Sirius'. He opened the door, slowly.

"Did you know the bathroom was right around the corner?" Cassandra Potter asked, looking irate. I froze. She raised her wand and muttered a spell.

The next thing I know was Sirius yelled, not frightened but to draw attention. And I was bound and tied. I blacked out.

Only the good die young.

----------------------------------------

I spit out my left canine tooth- something I didn't exactly relish but I probably needed it. She looked sorrowful.

"I'm so sorry, but you did this to yourself. I just want to know why you couldn't love me! I'm young, beautiful! Everything a guy should want! I threw myself at you and you just didn't want to touch me!" She proceeded to sob into my shoulders, as if she expected me to rub her back though my hands were chained to a wall.

"Cassandra- you're fucking insane." She laughed, wiped her eyeliner from her eyes and then pulled out my front tooth this time. I howled.

"I know. And you should have loved me for it." She was collecting all my teeth- so far a total of three- in a dish. I couldn't believe this had happened. I was wandless, and bound. You think I could take on a 14 year old girl, no matter what. Apparently, I was full of misconceptions. "But instead you love SIRIUS!" She shrieked. "A BOY!" I was surprised that there wasn't a shotgun to my temple.

"Sirius is a man, Cassandra, and so am I." I said. She looked flustered.

"Every boy wants me, Remmy, except for you!" She cried, burying her face into her hands. "Everyone!" My heart really did break for the poor girl at first, until the first tooth had been pried out. Now I would say anything to get her to shut up.

"I'm not a boy, Cassandra." I said. "And you're still just a girl."

"A man wants me!" She shouted back. "Bella told me he wanted me and-"

"Wait, Bella? Bellatrix?" I asked, aghast. The proof I needed was about to come pouring out. She nodded. "Who- what man wants you?"

"Greyback, but he asked me to call him Fenir." She said. I sucked in a large breath. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he's coming to meet me here. Wants to see you and have a chat with you. About me. I think he's coming to take me from you!" She said, batting her eyelashes. "But you don't want to let me go, do you, Remmy?"

"Shut up." I said, annoyed. I still didn't know where I was, and now apparently had a visit from Fenir Greyback to look forward to. My creator. The door swung open.

Greyback entered, and so did my mother.

I literally burned the ropes holding me from my rage.

**AN- Short, but it's what I needed it to be. Reviews, please?**


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